In March 2022, Lisa, Stella, and I held the first Wider Lens retreat for parents of trans-identified kids. At that time, nothing like it existed. Parents who didn’t feel right about simply “affirming” had no public way to gather—just quiet, secret meetings, often held behind closed doors (or anonymous screen names). That first in-person retreat was no exception: there were no tote bags or banners. Most participants told their families they were away on a “meditation weekend.”
But what happened there was profound. Parents sat in a room with others who had lived nearly the same story. There were tears, yes. But there was also clarity, laughter, and a deep sense of connection.
Since then, we’ve led several more retreats, and each one has left a mark. Our upcoming retreat, Anchored, this November in Austin, Texas will be our last.
As we prepare, I’m sharing a few short excerpts from When Kids Say They’re Trans. These come from our chapter on self-care and focus on the emotional toll a child’s trans identity can take on parents. This week’s excerpt is about guilt.
To learn more about your retreat facilitators, Lisa Marchiano and me, read our bios here.
GUILT
Doubt’s close cousin is guilt. You may feel a nagging sense that you did something to “cause” your child’s transgender identification. Parents we have worked with have felt guilty for: having worked while their children were young; having quit their career and stayed home when their children were young; having coddled their child too much; having allowed their child to experience discomfort too much; having pushed them to excel academically; having not pushed them to excel academically; having sought treatment for mental health issues; having not sought treatment for mental health issues.
You get the picture. Parents – especially mothers – feel guilty over everything. It is easy to look back at your child’s early life and find a reason for her trans identification. In our experience, children adopt a gender identity for any number of reasons and by any number of pathways. The cultural forces affecting this phenomenon are very strong and often outweigh anything parents do or don’t do. It probably isn’t possible not to wonder whether there is something you could have done (or not done). Developing a practice of self-compassion can help alleviate the obsession and self-blame.
Some parents feel guilt-ridden over not being able to accept their child as trans. Give yourself permission to trust your perspective. You can see that your child is engaged in something self-destructive. If you have an older child and need to accept her transition, it does not mean that you must agree with it or celebrate it.
Our final retreat, Anchored, will take place this November.
It’s a structured, in-person weekend where parents work directly with us to untangle what’s happening, restore their strength, and take clearer steps forward. If you’ve been handling this alone, or trying to explain this to people who don’t get it, you’ll feel deeply understood and more confident after Anchored.
From now until July 31, we’re offering a flash sale discount of $350 off. If you’re planning to come, register during this window to get the best price.
We won’t be running another event like this, so if you’ve ever considered joining, this is truly your last chance.