The White Lotus: Frank wants to be an Asian girl–What does this mean?

Our next live and in-person parent retreat, a harrowing return to birth-sex identity, and reclaiming your feminine mother energy

Me, watching The White Lotus with Kitty

---

What’s on my mind…

You can either watch or read this section. The video is embedded below, followed by a text version.

The White Lotus: Frank wants to be an Asian girl–What does this mean?

Setting the Scene

On Episode 5, Season 3 of The White Lotus, called “Full Moon Party,” there is a truly breath-taking scene that has been discussed with great interest by audiences. And it turns out, it’s not just the gender world that has been gripped by this remarkable monologue.

Watch the scene below, in it’s full glory, F-bombs and all, sex-talk and all. I’ll then walk you through three very different perspectives (or lenses) we can use to understand and interpret this unusual sexual confession. Curse-words abound in today’s WOMM, so reader beware.

If you’ve never watched it, The White Lotus is a brilliant show created, written and directed by Mike White. Essentially, it’s about the mysteries and dramas that unfold at a luxury resort chain called The White Lotus. Each season takes place in a different resort location, and this season is in Thailand. One of the main characters is a middle-aged man named Rick. His free-spirited younger girlfriend, Chelsea, thinks they’re just in the country for vacation, but Rick has really come to Thailand to find the man who destroyed his life by killing his father many decades ago. Rick leaves Chelsea at the coastal resort and travels solo to Bangkok to reconnect with a friend from his past named Frank. We don’t know exactly how Frank and Rick originally knew each other, but it’s implied that they were into some shady business long ago. We get the sense that Rick is seeking out Frank’s help for something potentially illegal. The following scene takes place when the two meet at a bar to catch up over a drink. Rick is a little puzzled when Frank just orders a chamomile tea, so he asks him about it. Frank begins to explain his sobriety, and as you’ll see, Rick is completely flabbergasted by what he hears next:

I’ve been watching The White Lotus since Season 1. I think it’s got some of the best writing, the most interesting characters, and most intriguing relationship dynamics of any show I’ve seen in a while. When this particular scene came on, I sat there, on the edge of my seat, mouth gaping, much like Rick, absolutely gripped by the confession. The writing is so damn good because the emotional tone of the scene is so strong, but the show isn’t telling you what to think. There’s nothing “on the nose” about this monologue: it’s completely raw. It’s also delivered with an unapologetic matter-of-factness and ends with Frank’s cautious nostalgia because he now practices celibacy and sobriety.

I’ve had time to re-watch and reflect on this scene since it aired weeks ago. I’ve allowed it to “marinate”, and new things have emerged. So, I’m very glad I took the time to soak it all in before reacting.

First of all, the confession is just put out there in the scene without much interpretation. Frank is completely open and vulnerable, but the show doesn’t tell us what to make of this. There are no psychological labels or jargon thrown around, and it’s up to us to make sense of what we just heard.

And there are different lenses we can put on to interpret this scene. There’s the sexology lens, there’s a philosophical lens, an existential lens, and there’s a cinematography lens. Plus many more. So let’s start broad and I’ll put on my therapist lens and share a few themes that stood out for me. Be prepared because this is going to get a little weird. But then again, this scene was full of weird content. So stick with me.

The Therapist Lens

• An insatiable appetite: First of all, frank’s appetite for sexual indulgence was just insatiable. Petite ones, chubby ones, older ones. Multiple women a night. The more and more women he slept with, the more he wanted, until that urge shifted into something more extreme, something even more racy and uncanny. This had the flavor of a compulsion and a twisted and addictive pattern. He says he was “out of control.” Frank lost himself to his desires.

• Merging with the Other: Details aside, Frank is trying to merge with the mysterious and the unknowable aspects of the Other (capital O other). Maybe he wants to more fully access the object of his fantasy from the inside out and really know her, and know what it’s like to BE her in a sexual encounter. Frank asks a deeply profound question: “What is desire?” He asks, “the form of this cute Asian girl; why does it have such a grip on me? Because she’s the opposite of me? Is she gonna complete me in some way?” These questions alone are so rich and interesting. He then goes on to say, “Maybe what I really want is to BE one of these Asian girls?” Let’s not get too distracted by the specifics of the content here, though we’ll definitely be examining that shortly.

  For now, let’s recognize that these are deeply meaningful existential questions. First, you consider the form of someone who is as opposite as it gets. And if you’re a a man, you can literally go inside of her with your body, but you still can’t really merge with this other person. Your consciousness and her consciousness are separate, even while your bodies are literally intertwined. By wanting to become her, perhaps he’s trying to bridge the most existential divide we all experience with one another. The desire to merge and truly experience oneness with someone else. I love when Rick looks at him in disbelief and says “really?” and Frank stares right back at him, in complete earnest and says “you know?!” Maybe Frank is describing a yearning that we can all recognize, even if it has nothing to do with literally wanting to become an Asian girl while having sex.

• Boredom breeds trouble: Being completely untethered to others and to a sense of responsibility can be dangerous. Frank says that when he first got to Thailand, he had no attachments, nothing to do and was bored, so he started partying. Having no limitations and also no cohesive mission, being led only by your hedonistic desires, can be a dangerous game to play.

• How am I, as a lover? When he talks about being fucked by a ladyboy he said it was kinda magical and made him realize he wants to be one of these Asian girls getting fucked by him–so he started having white men his age, who looked a lot like him, come over and have sex with him while he was dressed up like one of these girls. When it comes to sexual encounters, I think many people are curious about what it’s like to be their partner. Am I a good lover, am I pleasing this other person? I know how this feels for ME but how does it feel for them? By having these encounters metaphorically “as the girl,” Frank might be leaning into that curiosity.

• I’m in control: He said he thought he looked pretty hot dressed up as an Asian girl, and got addicted to men “railing the shit out of” him, sometimes multiple times a night. Frank was becoming the object of his own desire. Being the hot Asian girl that he was so attracted to in the first place. I also wonder if this helped Frank take control of his escalating sexual desires by being in control of every character in his sexual encounter. Nothing left to chance. Nothing left to the unpredictable and unknowable Other. He wants the girl, and the wanting is under his control. Plus he is the girl, therefore she, too, is now under his control. Perhaps he’s trying to gain some mastery over these out-of-control sexual encounters.

• Watch me take charge: And further on this point, Frank would have an Asian girl come over and watch him and he’d look into her eyes and think “I am her, and I’m fucking me.” While he was clearly using these women for his own pleasure, Frank said that the Asian women had a grip on him. He implies a perceived loss of control. So, by putting the real Asian girl in the observer chair and putting her on the periphery of this sexual encounter, I wonder if Frank felt like he was taking control of the situation and getting some distance from his own overwhelming desires–did he feel powerful here, in a way that he couldn’t access when he was in the frenzy of his own sexual drives?

• Missed the metaphor: Frank asked “Where does it come from? Why are some of us attracted to the opposite form and some of us the same? Sex is a poetic act. It’s a metaphor. A metaphor for what? Are we our forms? Am I a middle aged white guy on the inside too, or on the inside, could I be an Asian girl? I guess I was trying to fuck my way to the answer.”

  • Frank seems to have approached something profound here: the idea of sex as a poetic metaphor, but then he slips out of the metaphorical space right back into the literal. Yes, sex is a metaphor, but he took the question of forms quite literally. He enacted and took on the form of the Asian woman, the object of his desire, without appreciating the metaphor itself.

  • No, you’re not an Asian woman inside. You can only ever approximate a guess at what it means to be an Asian woman based on your own perceptions, your own short-sightedness, and your own Otherness. Frank’s fantasy of the Asian woman is only a reflection of HIS projections as he tries to meet some of the existential needs we just discussed, through his encounters with these women.

• Finding a framework: Eventually, Frank said he had to stop with the drugs the girls, the trying to be a girl. He got into Buddhism which he says “is all about spirit vs form, detaching from self, getting off the never ending carousel of lust and suffering.”

  Clearly the sexual escapades themselves didn’t bring Frank clarity or understanding about his desires. Indulging these fantasies raised some very interesting questions and perhaps catalyzed a process for Frank. He ultimately sought a structure and framework for his life that he might have needed to escape the compulsive escalating sexual fervor. He tells us that “being sober isn’t so hard. Being celibate though….”

The Sexology Lens

But remember, there are many lenses we can wear to interpret this scene. Much of the discussion that I saw online was informed by the sexology lens. Many people recognized, in Frank’s monologue, a description of autogynephilia, the sexual fantasy and erotic drive to become a woman. Actually, it can be more than just a sexual fantasy, as autogynephilic experiences can be quite emotional and intense, a sort of intimate love-relationship a man has with his developing feminine persona. But, for today, that explanation is a good-enough starting place. And in fact, the researcher who named the phenomenon of autogynephilia, Dr. Ray Blanchard, wrote a very interesting post about this scene:

Of course, Blanchard is right: the concept of autogynephilia is usually completely ignored, dismissively rejected or downright attacked by most people who discuss gender and sexuality. On the other hand, sometimes autogynephilia (AGP, for short) is used like an accusation or slur by people in these debates. It’s often called a fetish or perversion. Whether or not AGP should be classified as a sexual fetish is not my interest here today. I bring this up because this term has only just begun to trickle into the mainstream discussion and it’s important to understand there is no consensus about what it is or how we should regard this strange sexual experience. In other places you can hear my thoughts about AGP (as it relates to ROGD) and listen to my GWL interview with Dr Blanchard.

Blanchard seems to think Frank was describing autogynephilia. Do I agree? Before I answer that, let me explain what sources have informed my perspective.

• Sexology research on autogynephilia, including the work of researchers like Dr. Ray Blanchard, Mike Bailey, James Cantor etc.

• First-person narratives of autogynephilia, captured in works like Dr. Anne Lawrence’s Men Trapped in Men’s Bodies.

• My clinical experience working individually with therapy clients and consulting with parents.

So, from a sexology point of view, does Frank’s description match up with the clinical literature on AGP? While I’m not an expert in this area, I understand it far better than most, so here’s my take:

The desire to become a woman, by many accounts, can emerge over time after escalating sexual experiences.

Often, however, males with AGP report either some difficulty in their sexual relationships or more of an asexual orientation. Sometimes this is due to an incredible discomfort with their own maleness, their genitalia and/or difficulty assuming the male role during sex, specifically with regards to penetrating their partner. Frank, however, had hundreds and hundreds of heterosexual encounters with women before he started fantasizing about becoming one. He did say that being fucked by a ladyboy was magical, so perhaps this receptive penetration sparked his desire to adopt a feminine role in sexual encounters.

He said he’d taken home ladyboys before as well, indicating that he might have been attracted to feminized males. This is referred to as gynandromorphophilia in the sexology literature, GAMP for short, and this can be experienced by male-identifying men and also by men who cross dress or men who have AGP.

Frank’s fixation specifically on Asian girls is interesting–I, personally, cannot recall learning about any instances of AGP that have such ethnic specificity.

Another unusual element in Frank’s story is his desire to be fucked as a girl by himself, specifically. Many AGPs derive both sexual gratification and psychological comfort at the idea of being the female in a sexual encounter. But they often describe their fantasies of being penetrated by men who are faceless or non-specific. This is termed pseudo-bisexuality. This is a little complicated but stick with me here. The “pseudo” here refers to the fact that most autogynephiles are straight in their sexual orientation, not gay, and not really bisexual in the classic sense. They are attracted to females and to the female form, after all. So, their interest in males exists predominantly because it validates and confirms the autogynephile is the feminine one in the encounter, thus providing erotic gratification and psychological comfort. But wishing to be both the girl and the man in the sexual act is not something I’ve ever encountered in AGP narratives.

Lastly, the idea of having an Asian woman watch him during his encounters with males is very unusual. Many autogynophiles are supremely aware of their masculine traits and how they measure up to biological women. This behavior, of having a woman watch him might be better described as transvestic fetishism. That’s when a man is aroused by cross-dressing and as a man. While these two phenomena, AGP and transvestic fetishism could seem similar, they operate very differently. A true autogynephile would be more likely to hide since he feels quite self-conscious about his maleness being recognized, whereas transvestic fetishism leans towards more voyeuristic and socially disruptive behaviors.

I think it’s entirely plausible that Frank’s experience could fit into the category of autogynephillia, even with some of those discrepancies I just mentioned. In fact, many have pointed out this scene and called it an example of AGP. But with all sexology labels or diagnoses, remember these are words we use and apply post-hoc to categories of human experience. So, it can be messy–also definitions and diagnoses have a way of expanding and creeping into new conceptual areas over time. That’s why, generally, I find these labels useful, but I don’t think they tell us the whole story.

That being said, if a young man has these experiences, then learning about AGP could offer him an alternative explanation beyond the “born in the wrong body” narrative that dominates the conversation about identity and transition these days. But even here, in this scene, we saw that Frank used a spiritual lens to make sense of his desires and relate to his sexuality differently. Celibacy is pretty extreme, but then again, so is medical transition. And I believe there are many, many more ways a person could navigate this unusual sexual propensity.

The Cinematic Lens

The last lens we’ll put on today is the cinematic lens. This is not exactly in my wheelhouse, but I was immersed in The White Lotus as an audience member, not as a therapist doing research on sexual confessions! And besides, I’m getting a little help because I got really curious about how much buzz I was seeing online about this monologue by the actor Sam Rockwell. Apparently this scene caused a bit of a stir, and we can all see why. The YouTube comments were pretty entertaining.

Like this one:

Or this one:

Let’s review some news articles about the scene. This piece in the entertainment section of an Australian publication was particularly interesting. The author, Christine Estera, begins with Sam Rockwell, the actor playing Frank, who is quite famous for previous roles as villains in several different films. Estera says that his recent monologue in The White Lotus “left viewers scratching their heads.” She then highlights other reactions and shares a few recent X posts. I especially liked this one:

Estera agrees: “Indeed, as Rockwell delivered the monologue with a balance of madness and sorrow, Rick listened intently but his facial expressions and nods of encouragement and reassurance, are surely destined for meme territory.”

What I enjoyed most about falling into the cinema/acting rabbit hole is that it gave me a completely different and fresh perspective. None of these writers or commenters have a clue about autogynephilia! And they don’t need that term to understand some of Frank’s experience. For example, Leslie Bibb, who plays Kate on the show, pointed out that the monologue was instrumental for this season, which is focused on themes of spirituality, death, doppelgängers and mirrors.

Sometimes a metaphorical and psychological lens gives us a much richer picture.

---

What’s on my radar…

Retreat update - Date Change for Anchored (our last Wider Lens Retreat)

Our upcoming retreat for parents of gender-questioning kids is now taking place in Texas, Nov 2nd-5th. We won’t likely offer these types of all-inclusive retreats in the future, so if you’ve ever wanted to join us, this is likely your last opportunity.

Set in a serene and peaceful location, this all-inclusive experience allows parents like you to step away from your daily pressures and immerse yourself in a supportive and understanding community.

With nourishing chef-prepared meals, scenic surroundings, and thoughtful amenities, this retreat will be the perfect place for reflection, connection and renewal.

Whether you’re seeking practical strategies, emotional support, new insights and clarity, or simply some much-needed moments of respite, we’ve designed this retreat to meet your needs and help you move forward with clarity and strength.

Click here to learn more and register for Anchored: A Calming Center Amidst Chaos

---

What’s new in my Parent Membership Group on SubscribeStar…

Essential Topics Video:

Interview with KC and her Parents - Part 2

This month’s Essential Topic Video is Part 2 of a heartfelt and eye-opening conversation with KC and her parents, Tony and Stephanie. KC began identifying as trans at age 11, and like many gender-questioning kids, she was quickly affirmed by therapists, school staff, and peers—without anyone stopping to ask what else might be going on beneath the surface.

Stephanie and Tony didn’t get it right at first. They cycled through uncertainty, tried different approaches, and experienced deep emotional strain in their relationship with KC. But over time, they developed a clear-eyed, deeply compassionate strategy: they set thoughtful boundaries, stayed steady in the face of emotional storms, and helped KC begin to think more clearly—not through aggressive confrontations, but through patience, honesty, and connection.

Stephanie made a point of staying emotionally calm, even when KC made ideological statements that were hard to hear. She dropped gentle truth-bombs, stayed warm and confident, and modeled what it looks like to engage without escalating. Tony emphasized that the work is hard—but parents shouldn’t run away or bury their head in the sand. And over time, KC herself began to soften, reflect, and eventually form a cohesive narrative about what had happened to her.

Now, KC identifies as a quirky, self-accepting young woman—and she opens up in this interview about how she got there, how she handles gender conversations now, and how her view of that period in her life has evolved.

This conversation is full of hard-won insight for parents at every stage of this journey, including those navigating strained relationships with older teens or young adults.

To hear this conversation, you can join the Topic Videos tier of my Parent Membership Group here.

Live Q+A Questions from March:

• How do I tell my edgy-looking teen daughter that her style may be putting her friends off?

• Should I file an anonymous complaint about the physician who diagnosed our adult son with gender dysphoria and encouraged him to estrange from us?

• How much (or how little) should I be pushing my adult son towards developmentally appropriate independence tasks (getting a job, meeting deadlines, creating structure in his life)

• After 4 years of my daughter's trans identity and being fully immersed in this, how do I take care of myself and show up with a bit more distance (researching gender stuff overwhelms, terrifies, and angers me)

To hear this conversation and participate in the next one, you can join the Q+A tier of my Parent Membership Group here.

Don’t forget that you can always view short clips of Topic Videos and other educational videos on my YouTube Channel.

---

What’s on my nightstand…

The Vital Spark, by Lisa Marchiano

Lisa Marchiano’s new book, The Vital Spark: Reclaim Your Outlaw Energies and Find Your Feminine Fire, is not just a book—it’s an invitation. It’s an invitation to rediscover and reclaim the parts of yourself that you may have learned to tone down, repress, or abandon altogether in the name of being likable, nice, agreeable, or good. Not only is Lisa the author of this and other brilliant books, but she is also a dear friend of mine! So, I’m thrilled to be co-hosting a Parenting Retreat with her this November (more on that in What’s on My Radar).

In this book, Lisa invites women to turn toward the energies we’re so often taught to fear in ourselves: anger, desire, disagreeableness, cunning, authority, sexuality. These sometimes-unpleasant energies are difficult to wield and may sometimes be appropriate—but they’re part of our wholeness. Through fairy tales, psychological insight, and years of therapeutic wisdom, she shows how these “outlaw” energies, once properly owned and integrated, can become sources of vitality, integrity, and self-possession.

Reading The Vital Spark is like sitting across from a fiercely wise friend who tells the truth even when it’s uncomfortable, but always in service of helping you wake up! This is a book for women who want to live with more clarity and fire. It’s also a powerful resource for parents, especially mothers, who are trying to hold onto their own center while navigating the turbulence of raising kids in this strange cultural moment.

Highly recommended for anyone who senses they’ve become too tame, too careful, or too cut off from something essential inside. Lisa’s book will help you find your way back.

---

What happened on GWL: Live & Unfiltered…

Stella and I ran our very first Live & Unfiltered Event on Substack last month…

It was so energizing to have so many people join us (from all over the world) for a real-time discussion! We really loved being able to interact directly with fans of the show in this new and unfiltered format.

Some Highlights

🔥 We tackled current events, including shifting political landscapes and what they mean for gender policies. It turns out that Trump is highly controversial even as far away as Ireland. We discussed how his election and Executive Orders related to gender identity have impacted young people and their families.

🎙️ We discussed Stella’s new podcast, Beyond Gender and her explosive interview with the controversial author, Lionel Shriver.

📢 We announced the next in-person Wider Lens Retreat for parents, which will be in Texas in November.

💡 We offered communication strategies for sharing concerns with friends, family, and professionals that are compassionate and honest.

👥 We heard some GWL origin stories—how listeners first discovered the podcast. From frantic internet searches to friend recommendations, it was fascinating to hear how our listeners have come to find us over the years.

The live chat was buzzing with insightful comments and amazing questions. It’s clear to us that our Substack members are deep thinkers who are hungry for meaningful conversation grounded in reality and nuance.

If you’d like to join our next event, be sure you’re a paid member of the Gender: A Wider Lens Substack. Click here to join.

---

I am available for one-on-one parent consultations. You can learn more about what these sessions entail, plus view my availability on my Substack.

Often I am booked quite far in advance, but if you are a Founding Member of this Substack, you will get priority booking.

In the meantime…

Here’s one thing to try…

One Thing to Try: Communication Series

Understand Your Child’s Experience

This month, I’m starting a new Communication Series—bite-sized strategies to help you reconnect and communicate more effectively with your gender-questioning child.

Here’s where we’ll begin: try to understand their experience (even while their thinking may be compromised)

I’ve worked with dozens of gender-questioning teens and their families, and here’s what I’ve learned: when communication breaks down, it’s usually because the parent doesn’t fully grasp what the child is going through—not just intellectually, but emotionally.

Many teens have read and re-read the same script: happiness lies just on the other side of a new name, pronouns, or medical intervention. And to make matters worse, influences like Reddit, Discord, school clubs, and affirming therapists can encourage your child to genuinely fear discussing any of this with you. Your child might have come to believe that you are unsafe or “transphobic” if you didn’t jump for joy at their announcement.

Please remember that this is not their true, authentic self talking. They’re likely indoctrinated, overwhelmed, defensive, and confused. That’s where your compassion—and strategy—comes in.

So start here…

Instead of trying to change their mind or interrogate them soon after they’ve “come out,” get deeply curious about how they came to believe what they believe.

Next month, I’ll share Principle #1 in this series—stay tuned.

Thank you for reading Sasha Ayad's Newsletter. This post is public so feel free to share it.