Sasha Ayad's Newsletter, September 2024
Echo chambers, the launch of a new research study, healing radicalization, and more
What’s on my mind…
You can either watch or read this section. The video is embedded below, followed by a text version.
Are echo chambers destroying our relationships?
Many years ago, I thought Facebook was an amazing portal that allowed you to find long-lost friends, old schoolmates and co-workers from your part time jobs in high school. It was so exciting to reconnect with people when you have such fond memories of them: you get to see what they’re up to now and look at pictures of their cute babies. It had the emotional valence of a chronologically live yearbook—light and fun—and it gave you the chance to rebuild old nostalgic connections in the here-and-now. What could be better?
But, then things began to change. The first time I scrolled onto a highly political post ”from the other side” written by one of these old high school friends, I suddenly felt disappointed. I really didn’t want to think differently about anyone based on political opinions, but there I was, feeling judgmental and morally superior. In this moment, because of my friend’s political opinion I quickly went from warm feelings of fondness to aversion.
Not my proudest moment. Sadly, though, I think we have all experienced this—and it’s awful. Some of this is definitely my fault, and I take responsibility for having been narrow-minded. But it’s also pretty strange and unnatural for everyone’s political opinions to be on public display all the time.
Fast forward a few years, and things feel even more precarious online. For many of us, our social media accounts are full of followers (and people we follow) not because we have any real-life relationships with them, but because we have shared interests, or worse, similar opinions. And, as we know, the most extreme accounts amass huge followings and have the power to shape the views and beliefs of their followers. And frankly, I have no idea how algorithms really work, but a lot of smart people seem to think they are pulling us further and further into echo chambers.
What do these echo chambers do to our relationships? I’m talking about our 3D, in-person, real life relationships. And specifically parent-child relationships when the child, teen or young adult is questioning their gender. Echo chambers certainly don’t bring parents and kids together and they don’t create a lot of common ground. If anything, your social media feed or news feed has created a completely unrecognizable universe than the one your child is likely in. It’s entirely possible that parents in the “gender critical” space see a feed full of loud, aggressive trans activists pushing their way into women’s only spaces, and read terrifying detransition stories of medical butchery and scandal, while your gender-questioning social justice kid is reading stories of trans people murdered for just existing, learning why talking about biological sex is transphobic hatred, and watching sentimental videos of girls who are practicing self-love and authenticity by “taking T.”
So then when the family sits down over baked ziti at 7 pm and tries to engage in a nice calm conversation about gender, no wonder it doesn’t go well!
This is why I talk so often about getting kids off social media and filling their lives with love, connection, and enriching activities that they genuinely like.
And I always tell parents to tune out the distracting voices that undermine your parental intuition and check in with yourself about how to best help your kid.
BUT! I also know that some kids who are not on trans tiktok all day, and have pretty flexible and nuanced ideas about gender, and maybe have zero intention of medically transitioning could have terrified parents who believe their kid is moments away from taking hormones, having surgery, or running away to start their new trans life without mom and dad. And look, I can understand why: these things do happen sometimes. I’ve coached parents who are going through this as we speak. And those stories are harrowing and the stuff of nightmares for you.
But please be careful about online narratives and echo chambers which can distort your understanding of your own child. If you have any relationship with your kid, you have to talk to them, and maybe more importantly, you have to be willing to listen and understand what they are thinking and feeling about gender. Many families are in the dark. They discover that their child’s been nurturing a trans identity online, largely in secret, so there are huge gaps in the parents knowledge about their child’s state of mind. But please don’t fill in the gaps with the scariest stories you read online. It’s not fair to your child to project other people’s extremism onto them. And in the same way, it’s unfair that activists fill kids’ minds with stories of trans kids being rejected and kicked out of the house by their parents. These extreme stories make kids afraid to talk to you, and they pull away and get further entrenched into the echo chamber. And while teens and young adults are particularly vulnerable to becoming compromised by these echo chambers, it can happen to adults too. So in your effort to protect your kids from distorted and dangerous online echo chambers, protect your own state of mind. And remember that connecting with someone who does hold rigid or extreme beliefs is a slow incremental process that has to be based on genuine relationship and trust.
Also, be sure to check out the Mindful Parenting Podcast where I had the pleasure of speaking with Hunter Clarke-Fields about parenting gender-questioning and gender non-conforming kids.
What’s on my radar…
Want to participate in new research with Drs Littman, Zucker, and Bailey?
The Adolescent and Young Adult Gender Dysphoria Outcomes Study (AYAGDOS) is open for recruitment. The purpose of this research is to learn about gender dysphoria in youth (13-21 years of age) with a focus on psychological well-being, family factors, sexual orientation, health care, and the course of gender dysphoria over time. We hope to enroll pairs of family members—one gender dysphoric youth and one of their parents/guardians—to complete a series of separate online surveys over a period of five years. However, participation of both family members is not required. Gender dysphoric youth can participate without involving their parents, and parents of gender dysphoric youth can participate without involving their gender dysphoric child. An eligibility screening interview will be conducted by video conference call for the first potential participant from the same family to contact the research team. Research participation requires completing an internet survey, is voluntary, and is not compensated.
For more information and to schedule a screening interview, please visit the study website: WWW.AYAGDOS.ORG. The study Investigators are J. Michael Bailey (Principal Investigator); Lisa Littman (Principal Investigator); and Kenneth J. Zucker (Co-Investigator). The Northwestern University IRB Study Number is STU00215665 and the BRANY IRB Study Number is 22-076-1188. Contact the research team at AYAGDOS@gmail.com
How to Involve your Child:
A few parents told me their child is resistant to participating in this research, and that’s likely because the opportunity wasn’t presented in the most convincing way. Try something like this:
“You know a lot of gender variant people complain when studies only take the parents’ perspective into account, so this is a great opportunity to tell your side of the story and share your own lived experience about gender dysphoria.”
Download the flyer about the project here:
What’s new in my Parent Membership Group on SubscribeStar…
Essential Topics Video: Your Facts are Transphobic! Healing Radicalization
Your kid is logical, intelligent and typically a good critical thinker. So why are they refusing to learn about medical harms involved in transition or listen to detransitioners share their personal stories? You’d think they want to consider all the possibilities!
Baffling right?
Even seasoned therapists are thrown off guard when their trans-identified patients have outsized negative reactions to relatively normal questions about their identity, health, and future prospects.
One common reason for this perplexing dynamic is radicalization. When young people adopt extremist beliefs, it can be incredibly difficult to have a calm, productive conversation.
This month’s topic video, I help you understand the process of radicalization and give you the relationship and communication strategies you need to heal radicalization in someone you love.
Don’t forget that you can always view short clips of Topic Videos and other educational videos on my YouTube Channel.
August Live Q+A
My guest this month navigated various stages of her daughter's gender exploration. Initially, she and her wife affirmed the non-binary identity but soon realized their daughter’s mental health was only getting worse. Then came a hospitalization and a long-awaited ASD diagnosis. Eventually, these two moms began gently pushing back with honest reflections and observations. They encouraged their daughter to "live in reality" rather than continuing a fantasy riddled with false promises and health risks. Eventually, their daughter desisted with improved confidence, mental health stability, and a better relationship with her parents.
To hear this conversation, you can join the Q+A tier of my Parent Membership Group here.
What’s on my nightstand, in my headphones, or on my TV……
Continuing with the theme of radicalization, you must check out this episode of the Hidden Brain podcast called “Out of the Rabbit Hole.” A cognitive scientist, Nafees Hamid, explains the deepest motivations of those on the brink of extremism, and how we can help pull them back from the edge. There were SO many gems in this episode, and I was pausing to incessantly scribble notes throughout. Here are just a few insights from the show, and how those apply to transgender identification below in red.
What’s on our podcast…
Yet another fantastic guest lineup on Gender: A Wider Lens. From Breaking News, to the impacts of this ideology on art and comedy, and from some refreshingly honest (if harrowing) medical information to a mother’s life beyond estrangement, we sure covered a wide range of topics over the four weeks.
How Gender Ideology Came to Denmark with Jesper Rasmussen: In this episode, Jesper reflects on his initial shock at how deeply gender ideology has taken root in Denmark, paralleling trends in the United States, especially regarding medical interventions for minors. He discusses the motivations behind the founding of the Danish Rainbow Council and their commitment to protecting the rights of children and women from the imposition of gender ideology in schools and public spaces. Listeners will gain insights into how cultural, medical, and ideological factors have shaped the approach to gender identity in Denmark and the impact of international influences.
How Brands Influence Culture (For Better or Worse) with Jennifer Sey: Former big brand marketing powerhouse and national gymnastics champion, Jennifer Sey, joins us to dissect trans-themed ads, corporate HR's influence, and how changes to Title IX impact girls and women. This is a bold conversation about the evolution of corporate messaging, the rise of “woke capitalism,” and the growing influence of HR and DEI initiatives in shaping corporate culture.
Whether you’re in marketing, leadership, athletics or simply interested in the intersection of business and social change, this conversation will challenge your perspectives and provide valuable insights into the profound shifts within corporate America, the advertising world, and women’s sports.
Healing From Sissy Porn and Gender Dysphoria with Shane Cole: This was a riveting exploration of male gender dysphoria and its many complex layers. Shane's journey offers a powerful narrative of recovery, highlighting the unpredictable pathways of healing from unhealthy porn use and destructive beliefs about being male. Shane describes the difficult work of healing shame to integrate both masculine and feminine aspects of his identity.
The Many Roots and Presentations of Gender Dysphoria in Males: In this special mid-week release, we have no guest, just the two of us, and a lot of thoughts about gender dysphoria in males. We explore some of the common and yet intensely complex manifestations of gender dysphoria including late-onset/ROGD, homosexual, autogyenphilic, and other presentations (and how they can all have overlapping features). It’s crucial to recognize that while diagnostic frameworks offer insight, they can oversimplify the complexities of human identity and behavior. We attempt a careful examination of the broad psychological, developmental, and sexual dynamics shaping male identity, the effects of testosterone, and perceptions around gender roles.
From Activist to Apostate–A Twisty-Turny “Gender Journey,” with Tali: Tali was an ardent activist, deeply immersed in gender and identity politics, who came to question, and eventually walk away from, the dogmatic beliefs she once held. Her story is a roller coaster of conviction, self-discovery, and transformation, especially after having encouraged her wife to socially transition!
This episode will show you the mindset of passionate activists, the impact of societal pressures on personal identity, and the challenges of disentangling oneself from extreme groupthink. We also outline the delicate process of questioning deeply held beliefs and the reflection and critical thought essential for shifting perspectives.
I am available for one-on-one parent consultations. You can learn more about what these sessions entail, plus view my availability on my Substack.
Often I am booked quite far in advance, but if you are a Founding Member of this Substack, you will get priority booking.
In the meantime…
Here’s one thing to try…
Make tentative observations (especially when something seems destructive)
Walking on eggshells is an exhausting reality for a lot of families with ROGD teenagers. While it’s normal and developmentally appropriate for teens to make some risky decisions, sometimes trans identification is a truly maladaptive coping mechanism with destructive consequences. Getting into a power struggle is never a good idea, but kids who are in the midst of self-harm need to be called out so they can begin to develop self-awareness.
Consider making a tentative observation when you genuinely believe a behavior is self-defeating or destructive to your child. When appropriate, follow it up with structure or guidance:
“Every time you spend a few hours on discord, you seem less like yourself, more upset, sad, and angry. I don’t think it’s a good idea for your to be online so much and we need to talk about establishing some healthy routines with tech.”
“Whenever you’re getting ready for school after the weekend, you put on your binder and lower your voice. To me, you seem more self-conscious and less confident in your body. It doesn’t seem like social transition is actually making you happier, and I’d like to talk more about this together.”