Of all the things I've read, I still think this book was the most helpful, for me. I love Jonathan Haidt and Abigail Shrier, and I think they do a good job talking about phenomena in the culture, but Hold On To Your Kids gave me a much better understanding of what I needed to do to help my particular kid. I think a lot of kids get into the trans thing for different reasons. So it might not be as helpful to others. One thing that I gleaned from this book was the importance of other adults in your kids' life (tricky with affirmation, I know). I thought the pandemic was so crushing because she couldn't hang out with her friends... BUT I think it was just as crushing (or moreso) because she lost her rapport with all of her adult mentors, like her teachers, her grandparents, her aunts. When Neufeld talks about the loss of consistent adults (who aren't parents) in our modern society (the shopkeeper, the family doctor, the neighbors who don't move, etc) this really resonated with me and I started putting extra effort into reinforcing those relationships. This is something I don't hear talked about enough. About how our kids became unmoored in the pandemic because of the ADULT-connections they lost. You generally only hear about the impact of the peer-connections that were lost. That's just one thing I took away from this book, but the list of takeaways is long, in my case, and I'm so glad I read it on Sasha's recommendation.
Sometimes it seems like therapists are sitting in the stands watching this painful thing happening and advising from the sidelines. If you’ve ever watched the show Chopped you know that it’s much easier to sit and advise when you aren’t in it. The clock is ticking and sometimes it works out well for you and sometimes not. All the contestants are gifted chefs, but some go down in flames. I even say to myself while watching, ‘why didn’t she’…. I’m not really sure how anyone can advise us. I was an attachment based therapist and parent. I’ve read all the books, some are clearly better than others. Joshua I think wants to help, but where is the evidence that what he advises does anything. Our kids have slammed their doors shut. They aren’t asking us to go to therapy with them to try to find a middle ground. I always tell people there are thousands of parenting books and most of them are one persons opinion, most not grounded in anything. My fear is we do all these things and if we are unlucky enough to never see our kids again it must be our fault. We didn’t do what some therapist advised or we didn’t read the right book. Parent blaming seems to be becoming more prevalent as therapists realize they aren’t being successful and heroic in bringing kids home. Money is being made off of our suffering and that is another pain for us to bear.
I think Joshua has some good advice, but what he doesn’t understand is that we are held hostage to use a name, and then it’s to use pronouns, and then to believe in lies, and then……the list goes on until you have helped your child harm themselves. And because it’s parents vs the world, how the hell do we compete with that?
I want to know how to deal with the cult we are dealing with. I could get my kid back when he was being manipulated by a girl-a cult of 1 as Joshua would say. I can’t get him back from this. And most detransitioners say there isn’t anything that would have changed their mind.
I think well intentioned therapists including Joshua, who was estranged from his own child, are coming from the world of 'regular estrangement' which is awful as well but has different features than what we have, many of us, experienced. I am just so tired of parent bashing, from my child, from therapists from all manner of well intentioned folks. The crazy that many of us have gone through is hard to convey. I believe it truly is a matter of not being able to really get it unless you have been there. I can describe it to anyone but they are probably thinking, 'if only you hadn't done that thing that day he would still be with you'. Humans are wired to size up and judge. It makes me so very sad and tired.
Sasha, I think you would do well to describe common behaviors you see in the ROGD kids and how parents can look at it or what the kids are saying. I have read this book as have other parents and find it lacking as many of the parenting books do. We are not dealing with normal teenage issues, this is a mind-bending ideology.
And it’s not bending only the minds of kids. Many adults in responsible positions have bought into it and are pushing it as part of their social justice agenda. In my kids’ school district, candidates ran on platforms supporting the transing of students at school without parental consent. They’re actually proud to announce this.
Thank you for writing about this subject. And I like that you said, "I hope that parents will feel comforted in the message of attachment: you ARE the best answer for your kids’ distress."
Of all the things I've read, I still think this book was the most helpful, for me. I love Jonathan Haidt and Abigail Shrier, and I think they do a good job talking about phenomena in the culture, but Hold On To Your Kids gave me a much better understanding of what I needed to do to help my particular kid. I think a lot of kids get into the trans thing for different reasons. So it might not be as helpful to others. One thing that I gleaned from this book was the importance of other adults in your kids' life (tricky with affirmation, I know). I thought the pandemic was so crushing because she couldn't hang out with her friends... BUT I think it was just as crushing (or moreso) because she lost her rapport with all of her adult mentors, like her teachers, her grandparents, her aunts. When Neufeld talks about the loss of consistent adults (who aren't parents) in our modern society (the shopkeeper, the family doctor, the neighbors who don't move, etc) this really resonated with me and I started putting extra effort into reinforcing those relationships. This is something I don't hear talked about enough. About how our kids became unmoored in the pandemic because of the ADULT-connections they lost. You generally only hear about the impact of the peer-connections that were lost. That's just one thing I took away from this book, but the list of takeaways is long, in my case, and I'm so glad I read it on Sasha's recommendation.
Sometimes it seems like therapists are sitting in the stands watching this painful thing happening and advising from the sidelines. If you’ve ever watched the show Chopped you know that it’s much easier to sit and advise when you aren’t in it. The clock is ticking and sometimes it works out well for you and sometimes not. All the contestants are gifted chefs, but some go down in flames. I even say to myself while watching, ‘why didn’t she’…. I’m not really sure how anyone can advise us. I was an attachment based therapist and parent. I’ve read all the books, some are clearly better than others. Joshua I think wants to help, but where is the evidence that what he advises does anything. Our kids have slammed their doors shut. They aren’t asking us to go to therapy with them to try to find a middle ground. I always tell people there are thousands of parenting books and most of them are one persons opinion, most not grounded in anything. My fear is we do all these things and if we are unlucky enough to never see our kids again it must be our fault. We didn’t do what some therapist advised or we didn’t read the right book. Parent blaming seems to be becoming more prevalent as therapists realize they aren’t being successful and heroic in bringing kids home. Money is being made off of our suffering and that is another pain for us to bear.
I think Joshua has some good advice, but what he doesn’t understand is that we are held hostage to use a name, and then it’s to use pronouns, and then to believe in lies, and then……the list goes on until you have helped your child harm themselves. And because it’s parents vs the world, how the hell do we compete with that?
I want to know how to deal with the cult we are dealing with. I could get my kid back when he was being manipulated by a girl-a cult of 1 as Joshua would say. I can’t get him back from this. And most detransitioners say there isn’t anything that would have changed their mind.
I think well intentioned therapists including Joshua, who was estranged from his own child, are coming from the world of 'regular estrangement' which is awful as well but has different features than what we have, many of us, experienced. I am just so tired of parent bashing, from my child, from therapists from all manner of well intentioned folks. The crazy that many of us have gone through is hard to convey. I believe it truly is a matter of not being able to really get it unless you have been there. I can describe it to anyone but they are probably thinking, 'if only you hadn't done that thing that day he would still be with you'. Humans are wired to size up and judge. It makes me so very sad and tired.
Have you read today’s PITT? It’s also what we get to deal with, random people (and I’m sure bots) who are fueling the misguided group think.
Sasha, I think you would do well to describe common behaviors you see in the ROGD kids and how parents can look at it or what the kids are saying. I have read this book as have other parents and find it lacking as many of the parenting books do. We are not dealing with normal teenage issues, this is a mind-bending ideology.
And it’s not bending only the minds of kids. Many adults in responsible positions have bought into it and are pushing it as part of their social justice agenda. In my kids’ school district, candidates ran on platforms supporting the transing of students at school without parental consent. They’re actually proud to announce this.
Thank you for writing about this subject. And I like that you said, "I hope that parents will feel comforted in the message of attachment: you ARE the best answer for your kids’ distress."
I believe that, and I keep saying that, but I (and many parents) have been devalued as I write in my own essay. https://open.substack.com/pub/thetranstrain/p/the-devaluation-of-parents