This was just what I needed to read today…thank you for all you have done and continue to do. My stepdaughter has been going through gender identity stuff since she was 14… She is now 19 almost 20 and has been on testosterone for almost 2 years (ROGD 💯) and is fully affirmed by her mother, her stepfather and pretty much everyone except for me and her father…(she’s been “living as a he/him since she was 16 so everyone in her life since then is just fooled and/or playing along)…so sad… I have very recently typed out a long letter pointing out all the different reasons, experiences,
and the timeline of events from her very young childhood and throughout my time knowing her, clearly observing why I know she is the way she is…haven’t sent it…still contemplating if i even should. But she would hear none of it because she says she is “genuinely happy” and doesn’t want me “to worry about her”…(Easy for her to say since she does not have children) she thinks at 14 she was young and naïve, but that she’s not now at 19…proving she is still very young and naive…at that age i also thought I knew so much but as I get older (almost 40)
I realize I knew nothing…Time is wild and I don’t know what the future holds for her…but I’ve been in a rabbit hole for years entrenched in all of this…and now, the whole point of my message here is: just reading this, was a sign that what I truly need to do now and moving forward is take care of myself, get out of the rabbit hole and focus on the children I do have, get this book, and let that support me as I heal
Hi Caren. Yes yes yes. “Time is wild”. There’s no telling how things will unfold for your stepdaughter. But you DO need to take care of yourself. This can completely consume the adults who love and worry about a young person going through this, but ultimately you cannot “save her” from herself. Especially complicated when one parent is fully or enthusiastically affirming in a divorce/co-parenting situation - take care and I hope your book helps you find some calm during this chaotic situation. Thanks for your comment!
Thank you Sasha, more than I can ever say. I did send her your YouTube channel, The metaphor of gender, last week along with the prompts you suggested… it will be what it will be and you’re right, I cannot save her from herself. I guess I just want her to know that there’s another side to it all and her father and I have been truly looking out for her best interest, always have! I just ordered your, Stella and Lisa’s book… my shoulders, have gone down a bit and I’m gonna do the work I need to do within to help myself. It’s all I can do and all o do have control over. Deepest deepest gratitude 🙏 🫶
Loved reading this. Had not thought of a young teen’s assertions of different gender as a way to differentiate. Is that one of your ideas here in this article, did I interpret that correctly? Thanks, Judi
Absolutely. My brilliant colleague, Lisa (who is co-facilitating the retreat) has pointed out that a new gender identity can be a way for a daughter to say "Mom, I'm nothing like you! In fact, I'm not even a woman." Individuation is a normal part of the adolescent's tasks, but it maybe maladaptive to do it in THIS particular way.
My daughter who is now 18, went through this at the onset of puberty, around 12. We supported her through it and she decided at 16, that she really did identify as a girl. Our middle son went through a similar process around the age of 23-26. They have Autism and other co-morbid mental health issues and have estranged themselves for 9 years, and are now 30. They did not receive the same support as our daughter, and I understand that their brain differences and mental health issues are also a factor, in their unique case. They now identify as a trans woman. I am truly grateful for your work in this area. I felt happy to feel as though I had supported our daughter in a healthy way through her experience, after reading some of your work. Thank you again, I know that this work you’re doing often comes with a lot of backlash. You are a brave therapist. Judi
This substack is harmful to trans youth. Families, do your research before you follow harmful ideas that could increase the risk of suicide for your child. Affirming our children by using their requested name and pronouns is the best way to prevent suicide. The research is clear. It is a simple change and shows our child we hear them and we love them.
This is simply untrue. What the research indicates is that trans identified youth do have higher rates of other mental health conditions, but there is zero evidence that affirming trans identities or transitioning children has any impact on suicidal thoughts or suicidal behavior. In fact, some research indicates that even with full “affirmation,” children are still at risk of both mental health problems and completed suicide.
The following study is the only long term study that controlled for other MH problems, which can help us assess whether the gender identity itself (and accompanying complications due to biases, society etc) are the cause for this. https://mentalhealth.bmj.com/content/27/1/e300940
This was just what I needed to read today…thank you for all you have done and continue to do. My stepdaughter has been going through gender identity stuff since she was 14… She is now 19 almost 20 and has been on testosterone for almost 2 years (ROGD 💯) and is fully affirmed by her mother, her stepfather and pretty much everyone except for me and her father…(she’s been “living as a he/him since she was 16 so everyone in her life since then is just fooled and/or playing along)…so sad… I have very recently typed out a long letter pointing out all the different reasons, experiences,
and the timeline of events from her very young childhood and throughout my time knowing her, clearly observing why I know she is the way she is…haven’t sent it…still contemplating if i even should. But she would hear none of it because she says she is “genuinely happy” and doesn’t want me “to worry about her”…(Easy for her to say since she does not have children) she thinks at 14 she was young and naïve, but that she’s not now at 19…proving she is still very young and naive…at that age i also thought I knew so much but as I get older (almost 40)
I realize I knew nothing…Time is wild and I don’t know what the future holds for her…but I’ve been in a rabbit hole for years entrenched in all of this…and now, the whole point of my message here is: just reading this, was a sign that what I truly need to do now and moving forward is take care of myself, get out of the rabbit hole and focus on the children I do have, get this book, and let that support me as I heal
Hi Caren. Yes yes yes. “Time is wild”. There’s no telling how things will unfold for your stepdaughter. But you DO need to take care of yourself. This can completely consume the adults who love and worry about a young person going through this, but ultimately you cannot “save her” from herself. Especially complicated when one parent is fully or enthusiastically affirming in a divorce/co-parenting situation - take care and I hope your book helps you find some calm during this chaotic situation. Thanks for your comment!
Thank you Sasha, more than I can ever say. I did send her your YouTube channel, The metaphor of gender, last week along with the prompts you suggested… it will be what it will be and you’re right, I cannot save her from herself. I guess I just want her to know that there’s another side to it all and her father and I have been truly looking out for her best interest, always have! I just ordered your, Stella and Lisa’s book… my shoulders, have gone down a bit and I’m gonna do the work I need to do within to help myself. It’s all I can do and all o do have control over. Deepest deepest gratitude 🙏 🫶
Loved reading this. Had not thought of a young teen’s assertions of different gender as a way to differentiate. Is that one of your ideas here in this article, did I interpret that correctly? Thanks, Judi
Absolutely. My brilliant colleague, Lisa (who is co-facilitating the retreat) has pointed out that a new gender identity can be a way for a daughter to say "Mom, I'm nothing like you! In fact, I'm not even a woman." Individuation is a normal part of the adolescent's tasks, but it maybe maladaptive to do it in THIS particular way.
My daughter who is now 18, went through this at the onset of puberty, around 12. We supported her through it and she decided at 16, that she really did identify as a girl. Our middle son went through a similar process around the age of 23-26. They have Autism and other co-morbid mental health issues and have estranged themselves for 9 years, and are now 30. They did not receive the same support as our daughter, and I understand that their brain differences and mental health issues are also a factor, in their unique case. They now identify as a trans woman. I am truly grateful for your work in this area. I felt happy to feel as though I had supported our daughter in a healthy way through her experience, after reading some of your work. Thank you again, I know that this work you’re doing often comes with a lot of backlash. You are a brave therapist. Judi
This substack is harmful to trans youth. Families, do your research before you follow harmful ideas that could increase the risk of suicide for your child. Affirming our children by using their requested name and pronouns is the best way to prevent suicide. The research is clear. It is a simple change and shows our child we hear them and we love them.
This is simply untrue. What the research indicates is that trans identified youth do have higher rates of other mental health conditions, but there is zero evidence that affirming trans identities or transitioning children has any impact on suicidal thoughts or suicidal behavior. In fact, some research indicates that even with full “affirmation,” children are still at risk of both mental health problems and completed suicide.
Might this not be because they belong to a highly stigmatized group and suffer accordingly?
The following study is the only long term study that controlled for other MH problems, which can help us assess whether the gender identity itself (and accompanying complications due to biases, society etc) are the cause for this. https://mentalhealth.bmj.com/content/27/1/e300940
The research that I’m talking about takes place in some of the most highly supportive and affirming contexts.