I am and have been and will be and don't want to be all these archetypes, all these versions of the scared, tired, angry, sad, certain, lost, bossy, permissive, defeated, pacifying, loving Mother. As the situation has demanded, as the world of trans activism has allowed/pigeon-holed me, as my 21 year-old now-almost-9-years-in-this-identity descended into the madness of the delusion, matured, back-slid, thrived, said, "Help me, mama," said, "Get a life, mom," so have I avoided, charged in, held steady, bent, adapted, almost given in, and loudly, silently, privately, publicly avowed "Oh, Hell, Never." Of course we all want to be the Loving Authority, and, Sasha, you have helped us all learn to get closer to that ideal. You validate the external forces that have made our task nearly impossible, but also offer hope along with some gentle nudges towards ways we can be more effective. There's no way that our personality traits, experiences, strengths, and vulnerabilities that preexisted our children have not contributed to the successes and failures in how we have navigated this unprecedented storm that has darkened so many of our parenting years. Parenting is always humbling and always leaves us asking, fairly and unfairly, what we could have done differently, better when our children struggle. Thank you for your constant analysis of this mind boggling phenomenon. Thank you for being our Loving Authority in ROGD parenting.
Thank you Lisa. I always try to make observations about why parents might have these completely reasonable responses to an absolutely baffling situation. Parents also exist in their own social context, political landscape and have dozens of factors pushing on them to act in certain ways at different points in time. Thanks for sharing your reactions here and for being so engaged with my work.
I've been all of these at one time or another. I still avoid pronouns and refer to her as "my kid" or another generic word. This is strategic; there were suicidal gestures earlier, and those didn't seem like good hills to die on (pun intended). Dealing with an autistic kid is not like dealing with a transtrender. She is single-minded. I am still a bit of an "avoider." She knows my views; there's no need for me to repeat them.
In addition, I live in a very trans-friendly community. The psychologist at the doc's office used the "dead son/live daughter" line on my husband. When my then-15-year-old was upset about the Cass review (due to Erin Reed's characterization of it), the school counsellor called CPS to report us for not medicalizing our kid, and then, when CPS didn't respond, tried to get a local agency for run aways to help my daughter run away from home--"find a non-foster placement" was how she phrased it. Of course, the counsellor hid this from us, working behind our backs. We only found out when our daughter had to be hospitalized for depression and told us about it. I found the text messages, too. Later, I made an FOIA request to get the rest of the info.
The good news is that she has returned to her birth name, though not her pronouns, and stopped begging for "T" and "top surgery." She seems to still have vague "someday" plans, but the depression has lifted. She's back to being affectionate with us, and new friends may be diluting the old gender gang from middle school.
Another local mom was less accommodating--she never used male pronouns or the new name for her now 21-year-old. CPS has been called several times about it and has shown up at her door. Parents are not unconstrained, let's say. When teachers, doctors, therapists, school counsellors, and others are arrayed against you, you have to tread carefully.
I am definitely #5 but I didn’t get there solo. Sasha, Stella and Lisa were major influences and a great therapist for my child who has now 99%desisted (that name 🤬but we do not use it). Attending the retreats with other parents was so pivotal to my mental health and education. I cannot stress enough if you have an ROGD kid attend these retreats, go to Genspect Bigger Picture. It is costly and worth every penny. When your mental health is better, you can approach your child from a better space.
I am and have been and will be and don't want to be all these archetypes, all these versions of the scared, tired, angry, sad, certain, lost, bossy, permissive, defeated, pacifying, loving Mother. As the situation has demanded, as the world of trans activism has allowed/pigeon-holed me, as my 21 year-old now-almost-9-years-in-this-identity descended into the madness of the delusion, matured, back-slid, thrived, said, "Help me, mama," said, "Get a life, mom," so have I avoided, charged in, held steady, bent, adapted, almost given in, and loudly, silently, privately, publicly avowed "Oh, Hell, Never." Of course we all want to be the Loving Authority, and, Sasha, you have helped us all learn to get closer to that ideal. You validate the external forces that have made our task nearly impossible, but also offer hope along with some gentle nudges towards ways we can be more effective. There's no way that our personality traits, experiences, strengths, and vulnerabilities that preexisted our children have not contributed to the successes and failures in how we have navigated this unprecedented storm that has darkened so many of our parenting years. Parenting is always humbling and always leaves us asking, fairly and unfairly, what we could have done differently, better when our children struggle. Thank you for your constant analysis of this mind boggling phenomenon. Thank you for being our Loving Authority in ROGD parenting.
Thank you Lisa. I always try to make observations about why parents might have these completely reasonable responses to an absolutely baffling situation. Parents also exist in their own social context, political landscape and have dozens of factors pushing on them to act in certain ways at different points in time. Thanks for sharing your reactions here and for being so engaged with my work.
I've been all of these at one time or another. I still avoid pronouns and refer to her as "my kid" or another generic word. This is strategic; there were suicidal gestures earlier, and those didn't seem like good hills to die on (pun intended). Dealing with an autistic kid is not like dealing with a transtrender. She is single-minded. I am still a bit of an "avoider." She knows my views; there's no need for me to repeat them.
In addition, I live in a very trans-friendly community. The psychologist at the doc's office used the "dead son/live daughter" line on my husband. When my then-15-year-old was upset about the Cass review (due to Erin Reed's characterization of it), the school counsellor called CPS to report us for not medicalizing our kid, and then, when CPS didn't respond, tried to get a local agency for run aways to help my daughter run away from home--"find a non-foster placement" was how she phrased it. Of course, the counsellor hid this from us, working behind our backs. We only found out when our daughter had to be hospitalized for depression and told us about it. I found the text messages, too. Later, I made an FOIA request to get the rest of the info.
The good news is that she has returned to her birth name, though not her pronouns, and stopped begging for "T" and "top surgery." She seems to still have vague "someday" plans, but the depression has lifted. She's back to being affectionate with us, and new friends may be diluting the old gender gang from middle school.
Another local mom was less accommodating--she never used male pronouns or the new name for her now 21-year-old. CPS has been called several times about it and has shown up at her door. Parents are not unconstrained, let's say. When teachers, doctors, therapists, school counsellors, and others are arrayed against you, you have to tread carefully.
I am definitely #5 but I didn’t get there solo. Sasha, Stella and Lisa were major influences and a great therapist for my child who has now 99%desisted (that name 🤬but we do not use it). Attending the retreats with other parents was so pivotal to my mental health and education. I cannot stress enough if you have an ROGD kid attend these retreats, go to Genspect Bigger Picture. It is costly and worth every penny. When your mental health is better, you can approach your child from a better space.