“My Name Is Not Who I Am Anymore”

Why Your Teen’s Sudden Name Change Deserves a Closer Look

Helena Perez Garcia

There are almost 4000 of you who read this monthly newsletter because you want thoughtful and nuanced reflections about parenting gender-questioning adolescents.

I will continue making this writing available for free, and paying subscribers really help me to do this -- as of now, only 1.2% of you are paying supporters. If you can, join the paid tier to support my work here. If you can't, then please like, share and comment.

---

Why Are So Many Teens Changing Their Names?

This article is part of a series exploring how digital technologies are shaping identity development in gender-questioning teens. In recent years, we've seen a sharp rise in young people changing their names, often as one of the first steps in a broader identity shift towards nonbinary or trans. Beneath a name change lies a complex mix of developmental, psychological, and cultural forces.

In my next piece in the series, we’ll look at how teens use online platforms to erase the past. In a future post we’ll consider how comment sections and social media formats influence our opinions of the content itself, raising questions about whether our reactions to information can remain “authentic” and untainted in the online world.

Today, we’ll focus on what it means when a teen wants to change their name. We’ll consider how a name relates to adolescent identity formation, the adaptive or maladaptive functions of changing it, the influence of digital culture, and how parents can thoughtfully respond.

What Does a Name Change Mean?

Throughout history, changing one’s name has marked a profound shift in identity, belonging, or life direction. Names carry the weight of family bonds, parental hopes, cultural heritage, and personal legacy. Traditionally, adopting a new name has been tied to major life transitions—such as christenings, marriages, religious conversions, or monastic vows. These name changes often signal a rite of passage, a fresh start, or the acceptance of a new role in society.

Name change does not usually happen in isolation, though there are exceptions, as some adults change their names for other personal or safety reasons. Most often, however, name changes take place within a shared framework. They’re guided by parents, community, and supported by institutions that uphold family cohesion. Whether it’s a wedding ceremony or a religious initiation, the name change is public, deliberate, and embedded in relationship and meaning.

In stark contrast, many teens today are adopting new names in private—often without their parents’ knowledge or guidance. These changes emerge, not from tradition or ritual, but from the influence of online spaces: Discord servers, TikTok trends, group chats, or school clubs. Surrounded by peers or completely virtual strangers, adolescents are choosing new names “alone together,” without the grounding presence of adults who genuinely know and love them and have their best interest at heart. The digital space is unlikely to help them reflect, contextualize, or integrate the complexity of what they’re feeling about their identity.

This digital-era phenomenon—where teens rename themselves in trans-affirming echo chambers—reveals something far more superficial than a deeply-considered, reflective name change. At the same time, it’s also far more high-stakes than mere trend-following or playful rebellion. The timeless adolescent task of identity formation is now unfolding in a landscape that is disembodied, anonymous, and offers the illusion of limitless self-creation without relational boundaries or reality checks.

To understand why gender-related name changes have become so appealing—and so common— we first need to look at how adolescents naturally explore and reinvent themselves. Then we’ll examine how today’s digital and cultural environment can distort and complicate this delicate developmental process.

Identity Reinvention as a Developmental Task

Psychologist Erik Erikson described adolescence as the stage for "identity vs. role confusion,” usually spanning from around age 12 into the early twenties. During this time, young people navigate layers of experimentation, trying on different values, styles, social groups, and desires for the future as part of the self-discovery process. Some confusion during this stage is normal since adolescent identity formation often involves a great deal of trial and error. Crucially, for our purposes, this also involves a testing of boundaries and a willingness to question the roles and expectations imposed on us from families and the broader society (a willingness readily exploited by gender ideology).

Erikson emphasized that successful resolution of this stage leads to two essential outcomes: integration and authenticity. Integration refers to the process of unifying all the fragmented parts of the self like past experiences, physical traits, relationships, and future aspirations, into a cohesive and coherent identity. It’s the internal continuity that holds everything together and brings disparate parts into harmony. Authenticity, meanwhile, refers to living in a way that reflects that integrated self. Being genuine, sincere, and consistent, both internally and in relationship with others is precisely how to live authentically.

A teen who achieves completion and resolution in this stage emerges understanding who they are: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Integration involves both discovery and acceptance. As adolescents live and act in the world, make personal reflections, and learn new things about themselves, they will add complexity to their understanding. However, integration also requires a radical acceptance of parts of themselves which cannot be changed, including their historical inheritance which comes from parents, their parents, and theirs before. These parallel processes—discovery and acceptance—are necessary for psychological growth, but also require time as experiences are gained and the brain continues to develop. And teens, notoriously, will look for shortcuts.

As a principle, I disagree with name changes for minors because they obfuscate reality and make true integration far more difficult. However, these name changes often occur without parental knowledge, so let’s examine if and how a name change fits into a youth’s ability to proceed successfully through this stage of identity formation.

An adolescent’s desire to change their name may reflect an attempt at integration when he or she has asked for parents to be involved. A shortened or closer version of their birth name, or even the name of a relative, could indicate a desire to stay connected to the past. Sometimes the youth selects their own nickname (a pet name which has always been used at home) or their middle name. Names pondered for some time or given thorough consideration may be better than names selected randomly or ones suggested by friends or internet contacts. During conversations with parents, the child attempts to speak honestly and allows you to do the same. You can explain what your child’s name means to you, how you picked it, or why it hurts that they want to change it. They listen. They take it in. They share their perspective. Perhaps the youth sees the name change as a symbol of growth, improvement, or evolution: “who I am is changing, I’m putting things behind me, but I acknowledge and integrate my past and current self.”

By contrast, some name changes reflect a much more fragmented or distressed relationship to the self. When a young person demands to completely erase all traces of the past, the impulse isn’t to integrate, but rather to sever and leave things behind. A teen might create a double-life, becoming one person at school or online, and a different person at home. There may be an outright refusal for dialogue or reflection. There is no attempt at continuity. No threading past with present. Instead, the name change becomes a tool for erasure. Some adolescents cycle rapidly through multiple names inspired by anime stories, video-game characters, or social media personalities. Demands to avoid “deadnaming” may signal a desperation to disown the parts of themselves they find unbearable. In these moments, self-loathing and dissociation may be driving the desire for a new name.

Digital Adolescence: Shaping Identity in the Online Age

At first glance, it might seem unlikely that a young person would change their name without deep thought. A name, after all, is something special and sacred, only to be changed for the most powerful of reasons. In the digital world, however, names are just a matter of a few keystrokes. Teens are constantly crafting new versions of themselves. Every app, avatar, or username becomes a tiny reinvention. Teens now maintain different personas across platforms: one for Instagram, another for Discord, yet another for gaming.

This can feel exhilarating, even intoxicating, but also disorienting. They are answering Erikson’s question, Who am I? over and over again in digital spaces devoid of either real-world relationships or careful reflection. These digital identities, by definition, are two-dimensional and disembodied, lending themselves to language games and superficial image curation.

Practical Considerations for Parents

If your teen asks you to call them by a new name, there are several important things to consider. First, communicate to your child that you take the request seriously and would like some time to reflect and think. You might ask a few initial questions (gently) to gather more information: Where did this name come from? Why is this important to your child?

As a parent, you may feel torn. The fact that you’re being involved and engaged directly is a relief in some ways because it means your child isn’t lying or keeping secrets from you. But at the same time, you feel incredulous about the absurdity of the request or heartbroken to see your child throwing away his or her precious birth name.

Some parents are not approached directly by their child at all. Maybe they caught wind of a secret nickname, thinking it was just playful, harmless fun among teens. However, gravity set in when they discovered teachers, school counselors, and therapists were in on it, while they were kept in the dark. Some parents are caught completely off guard, with no warning. An email from school lands in their inbox, seemingly referring to the wrong child. What looks like an administrative error turns out to be a plotted secrecy between student and staff. Learning that your child is living a double life, and doing so with the help of adults you trusted can be a shattering experience.

Planning your response

If you’re married or partnered, engage this issue together and discuss your perspectives, fears, concerns, and hopes. Try to get on the same page and remain in alignment (if you can) about how to handle this request. Some questions you may consider together include:

• Does the new name present a barrier to your authentic communication and bond with your child?

• Does using the new name facilitate or hinder desistance?

• How will this impact siblings?

• What can we actually control (our own language use, for ex)?

• What is completely out of our hands (how friends refer to our child, for ex)?

• What is being done at school, doctors’ offices, summer camps, with therapists, etc?

Here a a few ways families in my consulting practice have approached the issue:

New Name Ninjas

Some parents find linguistically creative (and sometime exhausting) ways avoid using the birth name or trans name. “Hey, kiddo, dinner’s ready!” Some rely on terms of endearment or nicknames and avoid the tension associated with either their child’s birth name or trans name.

Going All In

Sometimes parents feel they have no choice but to adopt the new name quickly. This choice is often made during a desperate and confused moment in the family’s life. Once they’ve had time to reevaluate the situation, many parents discover that using the new name is unsustainable, inauthentic and damaging to their own psyche. Parents like this often contact me for help in charting a new course.

In some cases, parents of trans-identified young adults use the name against their intuition in order to preserve the relationship, but never get used to it. After a longer period of time using the new name, some parents may come to adapt and re-learn new ways to engage with their child’s chosen name. This may be adaptive or even necessary if the child is an adult, functioning reasonably well, and has been trans identified and medicalized for many years.

Birth Name Baseline

Still others may decide not to use the new name at all in family life, especially if the child is young and still lives at home. Parents who chose to preserve their child’s birth name may want to reinforce that they recognize their child is trying to feel better or reinvent herself. However, they can share their perspective too: perhaps this identity change is an attempt to run away or discard the wounded parts their child doesn’t like. Perhaps this is a way to erase oneself. The job of mom and dad, however, is to support their child’s healing and wholeness.

A Double Life Uncovers Broken Trust

When a child has been keeping secrets or living a double life, this warrants a different conversation about broken trust and rebuilding the relationship. You may want to ask why your child felt they needed to keep this from you. Perhaps they were reading horror stories of parents “rejecting” their “trans kid” (though they may not admit as much to you). On the other hand, you might have reacted or said things in the past which made your child feel rejected or unable to approach you with these sensitive feelings.

It’s important to reassure your child of your unconditional love, acknowledge any of your own contributions to the dynamic, and explain how important it is that they come directly to you in the future. When you, as a parent, try to consistently react from a place of love and respect (even if you have to say “no”), it will reinforce your child’s ability to bring these issues directly to you, rather than making secret moves behind your back.

—

In Part 2 of this series next month, we’ll look at the way digital technologies allow adolescents to run from the past. Part 3 will ask how comment sections can undermine and shape our opinions, thoughts, and self-perception.

---

This post is a small window into the kind of work we do in my parent membership group. I release in-depth Essential Topics Videos, and you’ll have the option to join a live Q+A session where I answer the 6 most compelling questions submitted each month.

You’re living this experience through one lens—your own. But I’ve consulted with hundreds and hundreds of parents like you. So let me use my knowledge and expertise to help you devise the best parenting approach for your situation. You can set up a private consultation with me here or learn more about the parent group here.

For a truly personalized and intimate experience where you can connect (“in real life”) with me and other likeminded families, join our November in-person retreat, Anchored, near Austin Texas. Flash sale pricing extended till September 2nd!

And lastly, my new YouTube channel for gender-questioning adolescents has officially launched. Check out The Metaphor of Gender here, and download my parent guide here for tips on getting these videos onto your child’s radar without conflict or pressure.

Thank you for reading.