Your voice on all of this is so critical Sasha. ❤️
You are a blessing to all families dealing with this difficult topic- but especially to our family!
When we first discovered our son had secretly transitioned to a girl in middle school- and the school system was concealing it from us- my husband, myself and him…. Listened to your podcasts together … and discussed them.
Your voice
Was the first voice he heard when he was in acute crisis. He wouldn’t listen to me or my husband… but he did sit through your videos with us - and discuss what you were saying
So someone other than us (-you)
Were raising the same issues we were
My son is a success story.
We stood our ground. Loved him through it… and he has found ‘self love’ 🙏🏻
The ‘nickname’ with his friends has persisted
But we never changed what we called him
We continued to call him by his given name… our whole family did
he’s going off to college next fall and he came to me recently and told me he was going to go to college as his real name.
To me- this was the final thing we wanted /needed to see happen.
What a long painful journey for all of us… but I now feel like he’s come through the fire and out the other side.
I could write a book about the whole thing- but not affirming our son… SAVED our son.
I pray for all the confused kids to have our same outcome.
The balance between wings and roots is so important in adolescent development. Fearful of becoming too overbearing, the importance of stable footing does not recieve enough emphasis. The second book in the “A Wrinkle in Time” series, “A Wind Through the Door” does a wonderful job of exploring this as, the adolescent (non human) side character can not fully be free to explore the universe until he is ‘grounded’. I explored this idea in a short piece.
This is so helpful! I look forward to the social media analysis! I still struggle daily, hourly, with whether to use my daughter’s new name. Mostly I avoid it all together. But my other teen children and husband do use it and I bristle every time. I’m about to start rolling my eyeballs at them.
Thanks for this article Sasha. Our daughter lives out of state while finishing college so our time in person is limited but, thanks to you, during the winter I was able to ask some questions about the name choice and why. It was good to have a civil, informative email exchange about some of her distress and choices regarding her belief that she is a boy. She won’s discuss it in person.
Hi there. It can be especially hard when you’re the last holdout on your child’s old identity. That’s so tough! But it sounds like you had a productive conversation in the winter. I’m glad you enjoyed this article and thanks for your comment.
Thanks for your work, it isn’t about transphobia at all, but as parents we have to guide our children through their development. No matter the outcome for our kids, being trans or not, it’s important to just help them find their own true self.
My daughter’s social transition to presenting as male 8 years ago occurred before I knew about the iatrogenic effect of social transition. I assumed her FTM journey would go by the wayside as had all her other childhood explorations. She did carefully select her name over the course of 6 months without hiding anything, announcing her identity and name to peers at the time of 8th grade graduation. She made it legal at age 19. The early years I squabbled with her school over her legal name disappearing from her academic record (only the nurses office had her legal name) and dealt with all the confusion navigating systems with her having two names. At 21 she still has two identities from my perspective; time will tell what she will do with identity #1. As her mom, I love them both. Two months before her masculinizing chest surgery I gave her a biography of her life through early adolescence that I wrote and bound it with some of her early artwork. She/he knows that I see all of her in the way that a mom can.
It's difficult to not circle back to "If only I had insisted on not going along with the social transition." However, my attachment instinct at the time was to walk along side her in it, while simultaneously saying that I would not give permission for permanent changes due to believing that she would not continue to identify as male. I have compassion for myself for only knowing what I knew in 2017, which was the APA guidelines. It is a double dilemma to be a psychotherapist with a child differentiating from you, not wanting to come off as "therapizing" them.
Excellent and helpful- particularly this part "Parents who chose to preserve their child’s birth name may want to reinforce that they recognize their child is trying to feel better or reinvent herself. However, they can share their perspective too: perhaps this identity change is an attempt to run away or discard the wounded parts their child doesn’t like. Perhaps this is a way to erase oneself. The job of mom and dad, however, is to support their child’s healing and wholeness."
As a parent of a child with a mental health disorder this is what I have tried to instill, but sadly not all the adults in his life abide by this principle, meaning doctors and educators. So it puts me in a bad light with him, making me look like the enemy. We parents need the respect from authority figures that we know what is best for our children- so please abide by our wishes!
For many kids with a desire to be someone else—since they’re told it’s a viable and popular option—their past is a time when they think they were embarrassing, ugly, weird, and rejectable...They don’t realize there’s another option to erasing the past: exploring it, expressing their discomfort, finding humor in it, embracing it and themselves, and gaining further clarity and peace with it.
In order for them to see this as an option, we have to tell them about it. They have no concept of this. We have to let them know what they’re learning online and in schools and from queer theory is not the only way. Not even close.
Of course, I know many of us are doing this. It’s just tragic it’s not all adults.
Your voice on all of this is so critical Sasha. ❤️
You are a blessing to all families dealing with this difficult topic- but especially to our family!
When we first discovered our son had secretly transitioned to a girl in middle school- and the school system was concealing it from us- my husband, myself and him…. Listened to your podcasts together … and discussed them.
Your voice
Was the first voice he heard when he was in acute crisis. He wouldn’t listen to me or my husband… but he did sit through your videos with us - and discuss what you were saying
So someone other than us (-you)
Were raising the same issues we were
My son is a success story.
We stood our ground. Loved him through it… and he has found ‘self love’ 🙏🏻
The ‘nickname’ with his friends has persisted
But we never changed what we called him
We continued to call him by his given name… our whole family did
he’s going off to college next fall and he came to me recently and told me he was going to go to college as his real name.
To me- this was the final thing we wanted /needed to see happen.
What a long painful journey for all of us… but I now feel like he’s come through the fire and out the other side.
I could write a book about the whole thing- but not affirming our son… SAVED our son.
I pray for all the confused kids to have our same outcome.
That’s amazing! Thanks for sharing that with me, I’m really touched!
The balance between wings and roots is so important in adolescent development. Fearful of becoming too overbearing, the importance of stable footing does not recieve enough emphasis. The second book in the “A Wrinkle in Time” series, “A Wind Through the Door” does a wonderful job of exploring this as, the adolescent (non human) side character can not fully be free to explore the universe until he is ‘grounded’. I explored this idea in a short piece.
https://open.substack.com/pub/proceedwithabandon/p/call-me-by-my-name?r=tsjwe&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
How wonderfully you make this point! The balance between autonomy and authority, being grounded and free.
Thank you!
This is so helpful! I look forward to the social media analysis! I still struggle daily, hourly, with whether to use my daughter’s new name. Mostly I avoid it all together. But my other teen children and husband do use it and I bristle every time. I’m about to start rolling my eyeballs at them.
Thanks for this article Sasha. Our daughter lives out of state while finishing college so our time in person is limited but, thanks to you, during the winter I was able to ask some questions about the name choice and why. It was good to have a civil, informative email exchange about some of her distress and choices regarding her belief that she is a boy. She won’s discuss it in person.
Hi there. It can be especially hard when you’re the last holdout on your child’s old identity. That’s so tough! But it sounds like you had a productive conversation in the winter. I’m glad you enjoyed this article and thanks for your comment.
This is such a helpful article Sasha. It explains so much. Many thanks for all you are doing.
Glad you liked it!
Great article Sasha! Thank you!
thanks, Judi
You’re welcome Sasha! As always, thank you for your good work! Judi
Thanks for your work, it isn’t about transphobia at all, but as parents we have to guide our children through their development. No matter the outcome for our kids, being trans or not, it’s important to just help them find their own true self.
That’s very kind Brent. Yes, relationship, guidance, connection and the imparting of wisdom. Key ingredients to good parent/child dynamics
My daughter’s social transition to presenting as male 8 years ago occurred before I knew about the iatrogenic effect of social transition. I assumed her FTM journey would go by the wayside as had all her other childhood explorations. She did carefully select her name over the course of 6 months without hiding anything, announcing her identity and name to peers at the time of 8th grade graduation. She made it legal at age 19. The early years I squabbled with her school over her legal name disappearing from her academic record (only the nurses office had her legal name) and dealt with all the confusion navigating systems with her having two names. At 21 she still has two identities from my perspective; time will tell what she will do with identity #1. As her mom, I love them both. Two months before her masculinizing chest surgery I gave her a biography of her life through early adolescence that I wrote and bound it with some of her early artwork. She/he knows that I see all of her in the way that a mom can.
Hi Ann. This is such a touching and painful story, but the fact that you are still close and connected is so precious.
It's difficult to not circle back to "If only I had insisted on not going along with the social transition." However, my attachment instinct at the time was to walk along side her in it, while simultaneously saying that I would not give permission for permanent changes due to believing that she would not continue to identify as male. I have compassion for myself for only knowing what I knew in 2017, which was the APA guidelines. It is a double dilemma to be a psychotherapist with a child differentiating from you, not wanting to come off as "therapizing" them.
Excellent and helpful- particularly this part "Parents who chose to preserve their child’s birth name may want to reinforce that they recognize their child is trying to feel better or reinvent herself. However, they can share their perspective too: perhaps this identity change is an attempt to run away or discard the wounded parts their child doesn’t like. Perhaps this is a way to erase oneself. The job of mom and dad, however, is to support their child’s healing and wholeness."
As a parent of a child with a mental health disorder this is what I have tried to instill, but sadly not all the adults in his life abide by this principle, meaning doctors and educators. So it puts me in a bad light with him, making me look like the enemy. We parents need the respect from authority figures that we know what is best for our children- so please abide by our wishes!
For many kids with a desire to be someone else—since they’re told it’s a viable and popular option—their past is a time when they think they were embarrassing, ugly, weird, and rejectable...They don’t realize there’s another option to erasing the past: exploring it, expressing their discomfort, finding humor in it, embracing it and themselves, and gaining further clarity and peace with it.
In order for them to see this as an option, we have to tell them about it. They have no concept of this. We have to let them know what they’re learning online and in schools and from queer theory is not the only way. Not even close.
Of course, I know many of us are doing this. It’s just tragic it’s not all adults.