How "Both Sides" Conflate Gay with Trans

From celebrity "trans kids" to celebrities with "trans kids", everyone is getting this wrong

Photo by Nicolas Cool on Unsplash

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What’s on my mind…

You can either watch or read this section. The video is embedded below, followed by a text version.

Is Our Society Really Okay with Gay Kids?

In some ways, it may seem as though gay people and their experiences have been fully accepted and integrated into society. It may seem the days of gays and lesbians hiding in the closet or facing social stigma are behind us, at least in progressive first world nations. For example, nearly everyone celebrates Pride Month, including corporations and institutions, schools actively teach inclusivity, and homophobic slurs are largely frowned upon. This was not the case just a few decades ago. But if we are truly comfortable with sexual orientation and gender nonconformity, why are kids with noticeably gender nonconforming behavior labeled as transgender rather than proto-gay?

I’ve had a nagging thought about this strange moment in time:

Not all trans kids are gay, but nearly all would-be gay kids are trans.

And if this is true, what does it say about our acceptance of gender nonconforming children?

I’m certainly not the first to point this out, but today I’ll highlight some obvious and not-so-obvious ways that “both sides” participate in “transing” gender nonconfoming children.

Let’s begin with the obvious scenario: we’ve been transported back in time and it’s the early 90s. A little boy who insists on playing with dolls, wearing dresses, and hanging out with girls would have been understood by adults as likely destined to become a gay man. In fact, psychotherapist Catherine Tuerk wrote extensively about this type of boy. She was not only a therapist, but the mother of a feminine son who turned out to be gay, and she made this population of boys her main clinical population. She wrote that very feminine little boys, even those who insist they are girls, often grow up to be gay men as adults.

And if you look at the statistics, it bears this out. A study that began in 1989 followed 139 boys with actual gender dysphoria (not just feminine behaviors) for several decades. The researchers, Zucker, Bradley, and Singh found that about 63% of the participants who reported on their sexual interest were either gay or bisexual. A whopping 87.8% of these dysphoric boys desisted—meaning that they grew out of their dysphoria and no longer wanted to become women. Only 12.2% persisted in their gender dysphoria.

Today, however, similar boys are far more likely to be labeled as trans kids. They’d be told they are actually girls on the inside and that they were “born in the wrong body.” They’d be socially transitioned, placed on puberty blockers and a cascade of medical interventions would begin that could last the rest of their lives.

In fact, around the same time that Zucker, Bradley, and Singh were conducting their study, Dr. Tuerk noticed a major shift in how parents regarded their feminine sons. In a 2007 paper she wrote this about the parents in her listserv:

“In 2006 a trend began as more parents within the listserv felt their sons were transsexual girls, rather than gay boys. This trend was initiated and supported by the intense interest in stories in the media of children beginning gender transition at early ages.”

One such story, which came into public view a few years after the publication of Tuerk’s paper, is that of Jazz Jennings. Jazz had a popular book and TV show, both called “I Am Jazz,” which tell the story of a boy who loved dressing in pink, playing with dolls, and pretending to be a mermaid. These details are interpreted to mean that this male child is really a girl. Yes, it’s that superficial: this is the “trans kid” narrative.

This shift in how people understood feminine preferences in boys began to accelerate even more in the mid-2010s, when cultural focus on the “trans kid” skyrocketed.

This brings us to our big question for today: Is society really more accepting of gender nonconformity in kids, or have we just found a new way to create conformity—this time, through language changes and medical transition?

I had a conversation with Jack Jewell about this recently, and he described how challenging it can be for young gay men who fear that expressing any sort of femininity will be socially costly. A young person may explicitly hold progressive and pro-gay views while still being deeply uncomfortable or ashamed with his own femininity and sexual orientation. So there’s still a strong need to help young people to accept their complex experience, especially in the social world where kids can be cruel and it’s not always ok to be different. It only makes matters worse when the message from well-meaning progressive adults is, “it’s ok if you’re different, you might be trans!”

Pear Joseph, in his recent essay for Genspect, shared his own experience of childhood gender nonconformity. As a small child, he told his mom that he was a “girl trapped in a boy’s body.” This was in the early 2000s. At the time, Pear met six out of eight DSM criteria for childhood gender dysphoria. Yet he writes that not being affirmed as a girl or as a trans kid saved his life. He grew up to be a gay man. That trajectory—of the feminine or gender dysphoric boy growing up to be gay—used to be common knowledge, even banal. But today, the trans explanation seems to come up reflexively and immediately.

But every phenomenon has both pull and push factors. We can’t place all the blame on the overly enthusiastic progressive acceptance and celebration of the “trans kid”.

There’s a different cohort of people who are so allergic to any cross-sex behavior or expression that they, too, end up lumping gender nonconformity under the “trans umbrella.”

Let’s look at a few examples.

First, what might happen when a family adheres to rigid and traditional gender roles and one of their children naturally behaves as a very feminine boy or very masculine girl?

One mom, Kimberly, says she spent years fighting her son’s femininity. She had shaved his head and tried to force him to wear boys clothes but he wouldn’t surrender. Later she came to believe her son was actually a girl trapped in a boy’s body. The child, now called Kai, and Kimberly have made a name for themselves as trans activists and advocates for childhood transition.

In a way, I empathize with Kimberly. Her child was explicitly asserting that he was a girl, not simply showing a preference for feminine toys. It must have been challenging and confusing for Kimberly to hear her son making such a remarkable claim about himself. Perhaps this mom responded in the best way she thought possible. But now, many years after the fight with her son’s femininity, Kimberly and Kai have built up an entire narrative about being a trans girl and the fight for trans kids’ rights. What would have become of Kai had this family allowed his femininity to exist without conflict, and focused on getting him through puberty without rubber-stamping his claim of girlhood.

But there’s a second way that some conservatives often contribute to the “trans kid” idea. It’s far less obvious, and in fact, it took me some time to recognize this pattern.

I’d been following some talk online about how many celebrities have young trans kids. These discussions are often framed like the vegan cat argument: there’s no such thing as a vegan cat, just ideological pet owners forcing their cat to eat a vegan diet. Similarly, parents who have trans kids are often accused of Munchausen syndrome by proxy, of “making” their kids trans for attention, for scoring queer points or to be seen as heroic open-minded, enlightened parents. Personally, I don’t see how we can attribute specific intentions to people we don’t know and I’m not in favor of accusing strangers of being abusive towards their own children. Does abuse happen? Yes. Can it show up in unusual or surprising ways, including the transing of one’s children? Yes, of course it can. But throwing around such accusations based only on a glimpse into someone’s personal life is irresponsible.

And, as I became curious about trans kids of celebrities and the debates surrounding them, I continued to come across a particular claim: that a celebrity had “transed their child,” but upon further investigation, the claim would fall apart. For example, in Quora, a question was posed: Why do people in Hollywood have so many transgender children? Nick Davis provided one of the most upvoted responses, which included the image below depicting several celebrities and their children. Nick Davis claimed that “it's likely that they are being taught to be this way because it makes their parents look good in public.” His caption even says, “this is an obvious example of Munchausen by proxy.”

But I looked into every single one of these cases and discovered that the graphic completely misrepresents the situation for several of these families. Meghan Fox’s son wears a dress in the photo, but in interviews, she consistently refers to her son as “he” and her “son.” The same was true with Gwen Stefani’s child, who is photographed in a skirt; same situation with Adele’s son. He’s not even in girl’s clothing as far as I can tell in the photo. He simply has longer hair and bangs. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s daughter, Shiloh, has gone through a very public exploration of various identities and presentations. Her parents described that as a small child she wanted to be a boy and wear boys’ everything. Her parents never called her trans and yet they allowed her to play with clothing, hairstyles and even let her use a masculine nickname for some time. More recently, she’s once again going by her birth name, Shiloh, and seems perfectly comfortable in her body.

These are examples of parents holding their children’s gender presentation lightly, allowing flexibility with clothing, hair, aesthetics, and nicknames. These parents made no attempt to tell their children that they’re a different sex or tell the world they have transgender children. So why do observers jump to calling these “trans kids”? It’s completely unfair to mischaracterize what these parents seem to be doing by allowing their children some creativity and self-expression. In fact, it seems Nick Davis is the one “transing” these children, not their parents. I will concede that it’s entirely possible for parents to encourage their kids to break gender stereotypes or cross-dress even if that’s not the child’s authentic preference. It’s entirely possible that some people may use their children to signal their progressive, or even transgressive, values to the world and that doing so constitutes manipulation of the child. But, in the cases I just described, there seems to be little evidence of that dynamic at play.

Based on my research, the male children of both Charlize Theron and Naomi Watts, pictured above, are trans-identified and are being raised as girls. While my aim here is not to judge their parenting decisions or hypothesize about their motives, I have many concerns about social and medical transition. Nonetheless, the vast majority of parents, both celebrity and otherwise, love their children dearly and want to do what’s best for them. Time will tell if raising sons as daughters is truly what’s best.

Back to the point of today’s exploration: whether by affirming a cross-sex identity and socially transitioning a boy or by accusing boys in dresses of being transgender, culturally we are still in a profound struggle with understanding feminine boys. Either we change their identity so their behavior is more normative, or we view nonconforming behavior as proof that they’re girls. What’s missing is truly accepting young boys who just don’t fit the mold.

You might have noticed that this discussion is largely focused on young boys and not teenage girls. I think it’s particularly valuable to examine the stories of these pre-pubescent boys because they are almost entirely under the guidance of parents and adults. Their stories reveal the dominant sensibilities of the culture. They are the canary in the coal mine. And I stand by my earlier point: not all trans kids are gay but most would-be gay kids are being raised as trans.

So when people claim that affirming “trans kids” is a progressive cause, we have to ask: progress toward what? Because it looks like we’ve just swapped one kind of intolerance for another: we’re not forcing gay kids to suppress their sexual orientation, but we are telling them to redefine themselves out of existence. Instead of recognizing that some boys are just more feminine, and some girls are just more masculine, we’re telling them they have to oppose biological reality in order to be authentic.

Some may be asking, “how can we assign a sexual orientation to a child who is pre-pubescent?” **In fact, we can’t. But we can observe the high correlation between gender nonconformity in childhood and gay or bisexual orientation that consolidates after puberty. So, many of these children who would become gay adults are being labeled as trans and then medicalized instead.

People often repeat the superficial narrative about “protecting trans kids.” But if nearly 90% of childhood gender dysphoria resolves naturally, why are we rushing to label and medicalize these children? Why aren’t we protecting them and their future sexuality? Why is it so much easier for some parents, teachers, and doctors to believe that a feminine boy must actually be a girl trapped in the wrong body? And why do some people insist that a boy in a dress can’t possibly be a naturally occurring phenomenon, and accuse his parents of having transed him?

We must stop prematurely labeling kids; we must stop trying to box every single child into a political identity that suits our own biases or proves a point. Let’s make room for the natural variation in children’s preferences and behaviors and also give them the time and space to grow up healthy and genuinely accept themselves.

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What’s on my radar…

My conversation with Jack Jewell

I’d been wanting to speak to Jack Jewel for some time and when we finally recorded this conversation, he did not disappoint! Jack brought out an energetic side of me and it felt seamless as we covered a lot of ground. Among other things, we talked about why so many therapists fall for gender identity, what it means for gay people to have progressive views but still struggle with self-acceptance, and shared some controversial ideas about autogynephilia and “chemical castration.”

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What’s new in my Parent Membership Group on SubscribeStar…

Essential Topics Video:

Interview with KC and her Parents - Part1

In this interview, I speak with a desisted teenager named KC and her parents, Tony and Stephanie. By weaving together these separate interviews, we get a rare glimpse into different perspectives on the same chronology of events. KC was just 11 years old when she first began questioning herself after she developed a crush on a female friend. Then there was a falling out with her friend group and more emotional distress and isolation. A therapist suggested to KC that she might be transgender. This idea sent KC into a spiral that involved a sudden hospitalization, also at the recommendation of school staff. These events threw the family into an upside-down world and left Stephanie and Tony completely disoriented. Hoping to help their daughter in any way the doctors recommended, they affirmed the transgender identity…at first. After learning there are alternative ways to conceptualize this strange turn of events, KC’s parents tried to slow things down at home, but soon learned that KC was living a double life and had secretly socially transitioned at school. In Part 1 you’ll learn how Tony and Stephanie ultimately got their bearings and found clarity about how to help their daughter. In Part 2 next month, you’ll hear how her parents shifted their approach and withstood the conflict to help KC find a healthier path.

Live Q+A Questions from Last Month:

• What impact will college have on my child's identity?

• FtM girls who read gay-themed "boy love" books

• Almost desistance + relapse (the two types of desistance and which one seems to inoculate adolescents from relapse)

• The paradox of being able to control your body with medical transition

• Often, it's only once medicalization is completely off the table that young people can truly commit to getting healthier

• AGP males—how can we help them without undermining their choices or criticizing them?

• Don't attempt to control that which is impossible to control

• Radicalization and adolescents making their world smaller

• Intense conflicts while co-parenting (and medicalization of young teen/child)

• Wanting to give up the "fight" with our child

To hear this conversation, you can join the Q+A tier of my Parent Membership Group here.

Don’t forget that you can always view short clips of Topic Videos and other educational videos on my YouTube Channel.

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What’s on my TV…

FILM: The Sound of Metal

The Sound of Metal is a masterfully directed, deeply emotional film about loss, change, and the radical acceptance of what is. At its core, it’s a story about a man who has built his entire identity around something that is suddenly, irrevocably taken from him. His first instinct is to fight—to chase after medical interventions that promise a return to what he once had, even if those interventions are deeply flawed and can never truly replicate the real thing. But the film doesn’t indulge in false hope. Instead, it forces us to sit with the uncomfortable truth: some losses are permanent, and the harder we cling to the illusion of reversal, the more we suffer. And yet, in surrendering to reality, there is also unexpected freedom. The kind of freedom that doesn’t come from getting back what was lost, but from discovering something new—something that only becomes possible when we stop fighting the impossible.

This film is a perfect metaphor for the medicalization of gender distress. It explores the painful but essential process of realizing that some paths, once walked too far, can’t be retraced. And while that truth can feel like devastation at first, The Sound of Metal shows us that it can also be an opening—an invitation to step into a life that is real, grounded, and full of meaning, even if it’s different from what we first imagined. This would be an incredible film to watch with a teenager or young adult child—one of those rare, quiet movies that lingers in your mind long after the credits roll, offering a powerful lesson on identity, adaptation, and what it truly means to move forward.

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What’s on our podcast…

In February, we wrapped up 4 years of Gender: A Wider Lens Podcast! Here are the final episodes, plus a note about how to interact with Stella and me going forward.

• Clementine Breen Sues Famous Gender Doctor After Rushed Medical Transition Stella and I speak with Clementine Breen, a 20-year-old woman who detransitioned after undergoing rapid medical interventions as a child under the care of Dr. Johanna Olson-Kennedy. Beginning at age 12, Clementine was placed on puberty blockers, prescribed testosterone, and underwent a double mastectomy—all by the age of 14. She shares her story, highlighting the severe mental health struggles she faced post-surgery, including dissociation, self-harm, and a suicide attempt. Despite these challenges, clinicians remained focused solely on continuing her transition. Through proper therapy years later, Clementine uncovered deeper psychological and childhood issues, exposing the failure of superficial gender-affirming care to address underlying trauma. Her story underscores the urgent need for accountability in pediatric gender medicine.

• What's Next for Sasha Ayad, Stella O'Malley, and the Gender: A Wider Lens Podcast

  In the final episode of Gender: A Wider Lens, Stella and I reflect on our four-year journey with the podcast. We discuss the evolution of our conversations, the insights we've gained, and share exciting news about our upcoming projects. This episode marks the end of an era and the beginning of new ventures.

Going forward––Live & Unfiltered!

Stella and I are thrilled to announce our new Live + Unfiltered events! These sessions offer an opportunity for real-time interaction, where we delve into pressing topics and answer your questions directly. Join us for candid conversations and a chance to engage with our community on a deeper level.

Learn more in this video:

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I am available for one-on-one parent consultations. You can learn more about what these sessions entail, plus view my availability on my Substack.

Often I am booked quite far in advance, but if you are a Founding Member of this Substack, you will get priority booking.

In the meantime…

Here’s one thing to try…

Radical acceptance

When your child is struggling, your instinct is to fix it—immediately. The suffering feels unbearable, and every new piece of information, every new development, tempts you to change course, to do something different. But constantly reacting can create more chaos than clarity.

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean giving up or ignoring the problem. It means holding the tension—acknowledging that this is a distressing time, for both you and your child, and that some things are beyond your control.

If you’ve taken the time to educate yourself, reflect, and develop a strategy, trust it. Execute the plan consistently, rather than shifting tactics out of fear. Adjust when necessary—but not at every moment of panic.

For parents of young adults who are medicalizing, this can be even more complex. On one hand, there may be a sort of dread/relief dichotomy that takes place. The thing you’ve feared for so many years has happened and now the frantic attempt to prevent medicalization is over. On the other hand this is truly beyond your control now. Accepting the reality of the present moment—with all its conflicting emotions—helps you stay grounded and steady. And that steadiness, more than anything, may be what keeps you connected to your child.

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