Sasha Ayad's Newsletter, October 2024

The importance of reality-based information, my recent talk at the Genspect conference in Lisbon, Matt Walsh's "Am I Racist," and more...

Speaking at the Genspect conference in Lisbon, Portugal

What’s on my mind…

You can either watch or read this section. The video is embedded below, followed by a text version.

Give people all the relevant information, now!

This story begins with a conversation about architecture over a plate of lamb meatballs. My husband and I were having dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in town where the dining room overlooks a beautiful view of Camelback Mountain. He was explaining why it’s such a grave error for architects to overpromise outcomes to their clients. My husband is an architect who focuses on higher education. This includes any and all buildings that you might find on a university campus. As I’ve come to learn, from start to finish, from concept to construction, the process of making a building is incredibly complex and full of details, both big and small. Hiccups can happen at the most granular level, and at hundreds of decision points in the process of design, development or construction. So on this night, as we enjoyed our appetizer, he explained that when architects attain new clients by making false promises, projects can get derailed even far into the construction phase. He said:

“If a client doesn’t have all the relevant information at the very beginning when they are starting to make decisions, they won’t be aware of the future trade-offs involved. Then, as they reach decision points that inevitably call for adjustments and compromises, they will feel unprepared. That’s why, sometimes, schedule and budget changes can derail a client and they might come to think the project can’t be completed.”

Needless to say, this made me think precisely of gender medicine. Especially in today’s ideological version of Gender Affirming Care, the entire enterprise of pediatric gender medicine is founded on over-promising and under-delivering. And this is largely because patients are not given ALL the information they need about their condition and about both short-term and long-term possibilities.

It also doesn’t help that the theory of gender identity which undergirds these psychological and medical interventions is remarkably weak. A gender identity is someone’s sense of gender. Really? You’re telling me that a circular definition, something you’d learn to reject in a high school speech and debate class, is justification for irreversible medical complications for the rest of a child’s life?

Let me back up for a minute and explain my real issue here. Honestly, there are adults who carefully, thoroughly, examine their lives, reflect on their experience of gender dysphoria and come to believe that medical transition is the best way forward for them. But this kind of sober calculus simply cannot be done without a reality-based understanding.

You can’t safely construct a building if you don’t understand the real-world physical properties of materials like concrete, steel, and wood. Imagine if an architect was in denial about the fact that wood is flammable and he communicated that fantasy to his clients in the design process! This would obviously lead to dangerous risks if the wrong material is used in the wrong context. And in the same way, I don’t think anyone can make decisions about their identity or medical transition if they are living in denial about reality.

I want everyone with gender dysphoria and their parents to be given reality-based information about:

• the condition of gender dysphoria

• how sexual orientation and gender-distress can be related

• the concept of gender identity: that it’s hotly debated and there is NO consensus on it’s meaning

• the reality of the sexed body

• the limits of medical interventions

Reality based information about all of it!

And yet, over and over again, from trans people, detrans people, parents, and whistleblowers, we hear that in many clinics, hospitals, and therapists’ offices, affirming someone’s identity takes priority over helping them understand and accept reality.

For some people, truly accepting reality will mean that transition is no longer a desirable option. After all, many people transition because they think they will, ostensibly, transform into the other sex.

But for others, accepting reality actually could improve the outcomes of transition. Understanding your trade-offs helps you feel prepared for challenges as they come, and gives you a grounding in reality that is required for psychological and physical health.

This is the perplexing thing about “affirmation” when it is devoid of truth-telling and detached from reality. It actually hurts the very people it intends to help.

I heard comedian Jimmy Carr say, “I think we’re being kind on the wrong time scale.” He wasn’t talking at all about gender medicine, but this resonated deeply with me.

Being kind in the long term requires us to give patients all the information now so they can invest in an acceptance-based personal identity rather than a denial-based identity.

This is a concept I’ve been playing around with and I would love to hear from you: would you like me to expand on these notions of acceptance-based and denial-based personal identity? Please let me know in the comments.

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What’s on my radar…

My talk at Genspect’s The Bigger Picture…

I’m honored to have spoken at The Bigger Picture conference in Lisbon, Portugal at the end of September. My talk was entitled “Not Getting Through? How to Communicate with Gender-questioning Adolescents.” This speech reflected a brief history of my work in gender, starting with my patient zero, Rania (pseudonym). I met her as a middle school counselor and was able to help her move through a brief phase of gender-questioning without a major identity crisis or permanent medical interventions. Eventually I left my position at the school to start my private practice and focus on gender full-time.

I began taking on clients, consulting with parents, and a fuller picture emerged. One that I could not glean from my work with Rania earlier that year. Without the trust, rapport, and the perception of my expertise, ROGD kids could be difficult to treat. I’d plan for a session, drop my brilliant insight or challenge, expecting a major lightbulb moment, only to have it go terribly wrong. I learned that many kids didn’t actually want to heal their gender dysphoria. If anything, they were protecting their trans identities with every ounce of adolescent conviction. It was like the prospect of making peace with their natal sexed bodies was tantamount to a kind of self-betrayal. But over time, through a lot of trial and error, I have developed a gentle, effective and compassionate way of caring for these kids. I did so by learning very quickly from my clinical experience and by training extensively on topics like extremist beliefs and even spiritual conversion. I’ve also practiced listening very closely, making sure my clients feel genuinely heard, while using careful discernment to read between the lines.

My talk outlines the 11 principles that have guided my work with gender-questioning kids and offers the audience example language for how to communicate these principles. You can watch a recording of my talk posted by the Danish Rainbow Council here.

Please keep an eye on Genspect’s YouTube Channel for the official Genspect release of my talk, as well as those from all the amazing speakers at the conference.

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What’s new in my Parent Membership Group on SubscribeStar…

Essential Topics Video (Encore): Rekindle the Warmth for Your Emotionally Volatile Teen

Not everyone’s child is timid, shy and people-pleasing. In fact, many of you have kids with volatile personalities who seem to be pushing all your buttons and testing your love for them. Parents can have a really difficult time because of their child’s mood swings, relational difficulties, and impulsivity. If you are feeling burned out, exhausted, or just terrified to challenge your mercurial child, then this video will be a good one for you! I also think those of you with medicalized young adult children will find a lot of value in this particular video.

In the video I first provided a little extra context about borderline traits and then cut over to a video I made in 2022 about how to find or rediscover the warmth you have for your child. Join my Parent Membership Group to watch this and many other previous videos.

Don’t forget that you can always view short clips of Topic Videos and other educational videos on my YouTube Channel.

September Live Q+A: here are some of the submissions from last month:

• My adult son is on hormones and mostly estranged. How do we address him in a letter? Might he change his mind? How do we support his siblings?

• My young teenaged son learned about trans from sex ed and has some activist friends, including a female crush. He seems confused about his sexuality and thinks we’re standing between him and his happiness. We’re considering an ASD evaluation but are not sure if/how it would help.

• Our young adult son’s identity confusion began when he had some major academic failures at university. He’s now home, doing drugs, has a rigid mindset, and spends every day alone in his room. Help!

• Should we try to convince our young adult daughter to go to therapy even if she doesn’t want to?

• Should we talk to our teenaged daughter about her relationship with another trans-identified female? They rarely see each other, have little motivation to spend time together, but it seems more like a fantasy gay FtM relationship.

• My older teen son seems to be desisting and I want to ask him about where he stands on gender now. Is this a good idea?

• And many more…

To hear this conversation, you can join the Q+A tier of my Parent Membership Group here.

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What’s on my nightstand, in my headphones, or on my TV……

Am I A Racist?

Before leaving for Portugal, I watched the new Matt Walsh comedy-documentary, Am I A Racist?

Here’s my brief take on the good, the bad, and why I recommend checking out this movie. I also share my public service announcement for white people caught up in the emotionally charged topic of racism.

Whatever you think of Matt Walsh’s personality or his obnoxious hot takes on X, in this film, he is incredibly good at demonstrating the absurdity of the Anti-Racism Industry. He does this by capturing scenes that are so awkward and jaw dropping that my heart was pounding throughout the movie. Despite the subject matter being completely different, it gave me the same visceral experience as watching Sacha Baron Cohen in the early 2000s with his character, Borat. The situational “cringe” was level 10. Painfully embarrassing moments coupled with gut-busting insanity make it impossible not to laugh and squirm throughout this film. Although the theater where I watched it was only about half-full, based on the uproarious laughter and gasps coming from all of us in the audience, I wasn’t the only one who found it absolutely shocking and hilarious.

But I actually dislike most of Matt Walsh’s perspectives, especially those he shares in video clips from his show on X. I have little tolerance for his cruel streak and he is far too closed-minded and traditional for my tastes. However, I will always give credit where credit is due. The scene with Robin DiAngelo alone is a masterpiece - I won’t share any spoilers, but trust me, it’s remarkable how this man stayed in character to elicit the most insane behavior from DiAngelo, the high priestess of white anti-racism, and author of the New York Times bestselling book, White Fragility.

I’m a natural empath and often feel vicariously pained or embarrassed for others when watching someone struggle through a difficult situation. Am I A Racist? was full of moments like this. At certain points when Walsh was derailing a training or exposing anti-racist bullshit, I actually started to feel bad for the DEI trainers themselves. And in other moments, I felt terrible watching the DEI trainers inflict manipulation and insults on their trainees. So I want to share some of my thoughts about white people and anti-racism workshops. Look, I’ve definitely met some white people in my life who should be more thoughtful about issues of race, or take the time to learn about other cultures and backgrounds before jumping to conclusions. There can be a lot of ignorance and arrogance out there. But those people, the kind who plow through the world without an ounce of curiosity about others, are certainly not the target audience of anti-racism workshops. The people who do attend these sorts of DEI trainings, as you’ll see in the film, already seem so passive, full of self-loathing and insecurity, that it borders on masochism. Some of the scenes in the movie were incredibly painful to watch because of this willingness of some white people to be verbally abused by the trainer.

And on the other hand, these anti-racism ideas can have another type of destructive impact on the training participants and the “people of color” they claim to be “centering.” Puffed-up white people with anti-racism objectives will come to feel pity for anyone who comes from other ethnic or racial backgrounds. As though being an ethnic or racial minority includes no points of pride, heritage or value. People like this end up treating anyone from a different background like a fragile alien, like someone with whom they could never truly connect, empathize, or share genuine camaraderie. I’ve encountered people like this and what stands out to me the most in those interactions is all the joy and pride I feel for my Egyptian ethnicity, and how that becomes invisible under the perceived cloak of “my oppression.” Yikes! The last thing anyone needs is to be looked down upon or pitied. No thank you!

So my public service announcement to any white person considering putting themselves through the self-flagellation of an anti-racism workshop: for God’s sake, don’t go! You don’t need to feel bad for your race, your family’s background or the cards you were dealt in life. Don’t look down on others, even if you are told that’s the righteous attitude to take. Don’t let anyone use feelings of racial guilt or privilege-shaming to manipulate you. Be grateful for your opportunities, and know that your suffering (we all suffer) is also legitimate and deserving of empathy.

• And if anyone truly needs a training about inclusion, trust, and wellbeing, consider Chloe Valdary’s program, The Theory of Enchantment. I haven’t been through it myself but have heard her speak extensively on the program, and it sounds like a much better way to build inclusivity and diversity than traditional DEI initiatives!

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What’s on our podcast…

In the month of September, Stella and I hosted conversations with a philosopher, an education advocate, a whistleblower, a renowned feminist, and a young woman who desisted after spending nearly half of her life being trans-identified. Here are the links and summaries for these powerful episodes:

• Courage is Contagious with Vanessa Sivadge: We talked to Vanessa Sivadge, a former pediatric nurse at Texas Children's Hospital, who courageously exposed the illegal use of federally funded insurance programs to cover sex hormones and transgender treatments for minors.

• Tales from Genderland with Julie Bindel: Renowned feminist and author Julie Bindel reflects on her decades-long advocacy for women and girls, in particular her recent work investigating gender ideology. Julie shares her motivation behind her new podcast series, Julie in Genderland, which amplifies the voices of parents grappling with their children being caught in the gender identity craze. Julie also shares several thing she had “gotten wrong” in her previous decades working in feminism, she discusses her reporting on the Rochdale child abuse scandal, and tells us about her time going undercover to gay conversion therapy.

• Chanting, Humming, and Silencing–The Attack on Free Speech in NYC Schools with Maud Maron: Former public defender and education advocate, Maud Maron examines the intersection of education and politics. She first got involved with schools because of her belief that when merit and academic standards are undermined due to ideological pressures, students and families suffer. Maud later became embroiled in a heated debate over gender guidelines in New York City's public schools and she recounts the bizarre tactics used to silence her dissent.

• Running from Rockets and Walking Toward Womanhood with Maia Poet: Stella is in conversation with guest, Maia Poet, who shares her powerful story of self-discovery: Maia recounts the emotional and psychological conflict she faced living as a trans man in a conservative religious society, and how war—especially the harrowing events of October 7th—shifted her entire perspective on her body and identity.

• What Exactly is a “Transcendent Sense of Gender”? with Alex Byrne: Alex Byrne, philosopher and author of Trouble with Gender, joins the pod to explore the evolving concept of gender, its historical roots, and the myths that shape modern discourse. Byrne offers an erudite, yet accessible, analysis of the term "gender," reflections about how much the term has changed and the far-reaching implications of those changes. Alex also discusses the misrepresentation of various issues in Jack Turban’s new pro-affirmation book, Free to Be.

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I am available for one-on-one parent consultations. You can learn more about what these sessions entail, plus view my availability on my Substack.

Often I am booked quite far in advance, but if you are a Founding Member of this Substack, you will get priority booking.

In the meantime…

Here’s one thing to try…

Engage your Child’s Critical Thinking Skills

The world of gender identity dogmatism is full of thought-stopping slogans and cliches. Basically, the opposite of critical thinking. So you can start outside of gender. One parent taught her daughter logical fallacies and gave her $5 every time she could point one out in TV shows, movies, or on social media. The Blocked and Reported podcast has frequently been cited as a sort of gateway drug to deeper reflection about cultural issues. On that note, that has to be at least in part about Katie and Jesse’s use of humor on the show. It’s hard to be angry and dogmatic while you’re laughing. The point is that flexible thinking and critical thinking in other areas can generalize and help a young person gain clarity about his/her own experience with identity.

So my suggestion for this is to check out Peter Boghossian’s excellent Street Epistemology series (with your kid)!

These are some of my favorite things to watch or listen to between meetings or while doing house chores. Peter Boghossian, former philosophy professor, sets up a simple game that is meant to help people reflect on the reliability of the methods they’re using to reach conclusions. In other words, it tests the strength of their thought process, logic, and rationale. Peter says: instead of attempting to avoid controversy, try productively embracing it.

Here’s how it works: he goes to a public place, sets up mats on the floor that say Strongly Agree, Agree, Neutral, Disagree, and Strongly Disagree. He then gets 2 or more volunteers to play the game.

Everyone starts on the neutral line, then Peter makes a statement. Participants need to move to the mat that corresponds with their belief.

This is where the fun really begins: Peter then goes through a series of prompts and questions to tease apart people’s thinking. He may ask people to write their best reason on a small white board and ask the others to guess what they’ve written. He continues to raise other pieces of context or poke people for their reasoning and then gives them the chance to move again if they’ve changed their minds after having heard other players discuss their rationale.

It’s so much fun to see what causes people to change their minds!

The topics and questions are usually related to hot-button cultural issues and current news.

Here’s an episode featuring high school students at the 2024 Incubate Debate National Championships - they discuss DEI programs, merit-based grading, etc.